The One that he Pushed Away
by cosmopolitan
Summary: LJ: finding your way back to a world that you had once called home can be unbelievabley hard, especially when the only memories you have of that world are of devastating heartbreak. Is it possible to find your way back?
1. it’s over: prologue of sorts

_**Disclaimer: **_**idea's that Rowling girl's. (Creative, right?) **

**And since this chapter has a song u should be aware that I am musically inept… so yeah not mine (it's "It's all over but the crying" by garbage from the CD: Bleed Like Me) **

**-- **

**The one that he pushed away **

**-- **

_**Summary:**_** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his. **

**-- **

**Chapter I: it's over (a prologue of sorts) **

**-- **

**Everything you think you know baby**  
**is wrong**  
**and everything you think you had baby**  
**is gone**

_"No, James this time it's really over," she yelled at him._

_"Come on Lils, you can't really mean that. It was a mistake, I swear! I didn't mean to, please Lils, don't leave me. I love you; you can do this to me," he pleaded, hoping that she would return like she had in the past._

_"James, you fucked her! Don't you dare even try to play it off as an error in judgment, you were perfectly aware of what you were doing," she cried, knowing that she was losing her restraint, but she couldn't help it. He had always made her weak, love just did that._

_ "Lils, I love you. Don't do this; you know that we belong together." _

_"It's my fault James, I don't blame you-" she sobbed._

**Certain things turn ugly when you think too hard**  
**And nagging little thoughts change into things you can't turn off**  
**Everything you think you know baby**  
**Is wrong **

_"Perfect-" _

_"You bloody wanker!" she cursed him, seething with anger. "I'm not saying that I'm willing to get back together. I was saying that it's my fault for ever having forgiven you. You've done this to me so many times James, but I always gave you another chance. I loved you and honestly believed that you loved me enough to finally stop cheating on me." _

_"But I do love you Lily." _

_"James, for all I know you might love me in your own sick, twisted, and painful way, but I'm not going to give in this time and get hurt again. I've already let you back too many times, it's about time I finally learn from my past mistakes." _

_ "But Lils, I love you." _

_"It's weird you know. I can't imagine life without you, but I don't even know if I love you." _

**It's all over but the crying**  
**Fade to black I'm sick of trying**  
**Took too much and now I'm done**  
**It's all over but the crying**

_"Lils, come on, you can't be serious." _

_"After all the times that you've hurt me James, you broke my heart so many times. I think that I just clung onto our relationship because it had grown to be a part of me. I don't even know when I stopped loving you, but I did. You broke my heart so many times James and I'm glad, because now I've finally given up all hope when it comes to us and our relationship." _

_ "Lily, listen to yourself, this can't be true," he came closer to her, rubbing her arms. _

_She, however, did not find the action as comforting as it was intended to be, "don't fucking touch me James. I don't want to hear it anymore, I don't care! Now leave me alone," she told him off before walking away. _

**-- **

_One week later:_

_They were exiting class when James ran to her, trying to get her attention. She however, ignored his calls, kept on walking regardless of the fact that he was yelling out her name in a desperate attempt to get her attention._

_James finally grabbed her arm and turned her so she was facing him, forcing her to listen to him, "Lily, please, just talk to me. You know that this isn't right, we belong together. Don't deny it, you know it's the truth just as well as I do," he pleaded._

_"James, don't! Just stop! You've done this so many times-"_

_"And we've managed to get past it then, why not now?"_

_"Because I'm tired."_

**Do you really think I'm made of stone baby?**  
**C'mon!**  
**That we only love the things we own?**  
**Baby you're wrong**

_ "Lils, what we have is different, we're perfect, we belong together and I'm sorry, but don't leave me, please don't," he pleaded as he brought a hand to her face, caressing it, but she flinched away._

_"No James," she told him in a stern voice. "It's over, I'm done. I'm tired, tired of being disappointed and having my heart broken," she told him before walking away._

**certain things just happen when you make no plans**  
**and love can really tear you up and it can break you down**  
**Everything you think you know baby**  
**Is wrong**

_--_

Those were the last words that she had ever said to him. She had managed to avoid him for the entire three weeks before graduation. Even when he tried to confront her at that even she had managed to get away from him.

Two years.

Two years ago he had lost the only woman that he had ever loved.

--  
--

**It's all over but the crying**  
**Fade to black I'm sick of trying**  
**Took too much and now I'm done**  
**It's all over but the crying **

**Baby we're done**

**If I could I would**  
**I'd change everything**  
**Cause I can't forget you though you don't believe me**  
**Now I can't walk back**  
**I can't leave behind**  
**Where does it go all the light that we had? **

**Everything you think you know baby****  
****is wrong****  
****and everything you think you had baby****  
****is gone **


	2. the new Lily

**_Disclaimer: _****this is it. **

**-- **

**The one that he pushed away **

**-- **

**_Summary:_**** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his. **

**-- **

**Chapter II: the new Lily **

**-- **

****

She sat there watching all of her friends having fun and laughing at the random events that had occurred throughout their friendship with Lily. She couldn't help, but dread the day that it would be over. Australia had become her home; she had become a new person there. Returning to Europe scared her; she honestly had no clue why she had ever even agreed to it.

**-- **

**_Flashback: _**

****

_"Evans, come and see me in my office," _ _Brunswick__ called for her. _

_She slowly walked towards his office dreading the words that she would undoubtedly hear. Another speech regarding her irresponsibility and how she could get herself killed without a problem if she continued down the path that she was going. _

_"You wanted to see me sir," she said as she walked into his office and closed the door before taking a seat in the chair across from him. _

_"Yes, I wanted to talk to you about your performance as an auror-" _

_"Let me guess, I'm irresponsible, high strung, and have an early death wish. Does that cover it?" she asked him. _

_Brunswick__ couldn't help, but be amused by her quick wit and how she had immediately assumed that he was referring to the negative aspects regarding her work. "Regardless of how true those words may be, no, this meeting is not in regards to your behavior." _

_"Then what's it about?" _

_"I am extremely good friends with Alistair Moody, whom you may recognize as-" _

_"The head of the auror department in _ _England__, yes I know, but what does that have to do with me?" _

_"You're a stubborn Sheila, won't let me get a word I, will you?" _

_Lily couldn't help, but blush at his words before muttering a quick apology. _

_"It's alright; I'm used to it by now. Anyway, as I was saying, Moody and I are good friends and he happens to be in need of a replacement as head of the auror department. He wants two, one from his own department and one from here. I recommended you for the position. Now the only question is whether or not you are willing to take on the responsibility." _

_"Oh, wow. I mean- I don't know-" _

_"There's a raise Lily, and they will also supply you with a personal nanny to care for Harry during the day. Plus, Dumbledore also personally recommended you for the position when Moody asked him about you." _

_"Dumbledore?" _

_"Yeah, one of the only opinions Moody actually listens to," _ _Brunswick__ told her with a deep chuckle. _

_"Oh, wow. Dumbledore," she couldn't say no now, no matter the location she owed Dumbledore for everything that she had accomplished. He had helped her when she was eighteen and pregnant, if he believed that she was the one for the job she couldn't just throw it back in his face and let him down after all the time that he had spent helping her. _

_"So what will it be? Do you want more time to mull it over?" _

_"Um, no. I think that I'll take the offer." _

_"Perfect, so-" after those words she tuned out to what he was saying. She couldn't believe that she was actually returning to _ _England__. No that she had lived in _ _Australia__ that long (only two years), but throughout that short time period she had changed so much. She felt like a totally different person. Having Harry had given her so much more strength, he had helped reform her. In her constant strive to be a proper mother she had become a person that she was finally content with. The prospect of returning to _ _England__ felt so weird to her. That was the home of the old Lily, James' Lily. Now she was Harry's Lily, and she was no longer sure as to whether or not she even belonged in _ _England__ anymore. She didn't even love the country anymore. _

_"So everything's set, in a month you'll be living in _ _England__ again," _ _Brunswick__ told her, and in turn regaining her attention. _

_"Wow, only a month?" _

**_End flashback _**

**-- **

"I still can't believe that you dear Lilykins is leaving us for a gloomy country like England, its sacrilege I tell you!" Riley exclaimed.

"I honestly can't imagine life with our little Sheila," Finn cried out.

"Neither can I, hold me Finn!" Riley dramatically cried as the two threw their arms around one another.

"Oy, don't be so over dramatic," Lily told them through her laughter.

"They're right Lily, I can't believe that you're doing his for some cocky old headmaster of yours," Rosemary told her.

"He helped me o much, I don't want to let him down. If he thinks that I'm up for the job I have to try, I owe him that much. Anyway, he usually knows me better then I know myself."

"But life will be so dreary without you love," Finn cried.

"You could always visit me Finn."

"You have to promise to stay in touch. No matter what, we stay friends, deal?"

"Of course. Anyway, you've still got me for another week. So how about we make the best of our time together," she told Riley as she pulled him onto the dance floor and Rosemary followed suit with Finn.

**-- **

_Lily's house:_

When she walked into her house (if you could even call a thing that large a house) she saw Maria playing with Harry.

When Maria saw Lily walk in she dropped the toy that she had been holding, "oh, Ms. Evans, I'm sorry that he's still up. I know that it's three in the morning, but it's just that he's a but restless- and then you guys are leaving in a week, so I wanted to have some fun before that- I promise that it's never happened before."

"It's fine Maria, you always look out for his best interest, I trust you. You never have to explain yourself with me. Having a person as responsible as you to care for my son is one pf the things that I'll miss most about Australia."

"Thank you Ms. Evans."

"You should probably stay here for the night if you want to get a good night sleep."

"No, MS. Evans, I couldn't-"

"You will; there's no point in leaving so late at night."

"Okay, thank you," Maria said as she walked towards Harry's room with the boy in tow.

"oh and Maria," Lily called out, causing Maria to turn around when she was at the doorway, "I really hate that after two years you still call me Ms. Evans, please just humor me, don't make me feel old, call me Lily like everyone else."

Maria laughed as she nodded in accordance to Lily's request, "good night Lily."

"Thank you and good night."

**-- **

_Next morning:_

Lily sat on the couch talking to Harry, "since we are moving to England you'll be able to attend Hogwarts rather the Andover. That is a great thing because Dumbledore is just about the most amazing wizard that you will ever have the honor to meet. You remember him don't you? I know that the last time you saw him was a year ago so you probably forgot, but he is the kindest man I have ever met."

Harry stirred in her arms and she couldn't help, but smile as she looked at the sleeping figure she was holding. Looking at Harry, she couldn't help, but reminisce about the day that she had learned of her pregnancy.

**-- **

**_Flashback:_**

_"Hello Ms. Evans, how may I help you?" asked the nurse from the school hospital wing. _

_"Um, yeah. I've been feeling a bit sick lately and I can't seem to keep anything I eat down." _

_"Okay, well let's see what we can do hopefully it's just a flu." _

_After performing a few spells on her as a routine check up Ms. Beckman's eyebrows shot up. _

_"What? What is it?" asked an alarmed Lily when she saw the woman's reaction. _

_"Ms. Evans, you're pregnant." _

_At those words Lily fainted. _

**-- **

_Three hours later: _

_Once Lily regained consciousness she knew that she had to talk to someone about what she had just learned. _

_"Ms. Evans, what a pleasant surprise. Is there anything that I can help you with?" Dumbledore asked as he saw Lily walk into his office. _

_"I need advice." _

_"Well students have commended me for my particular talent in that area in the past." _

_"I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do," she blurted out. _

_Dumbledore appeared shocked by that statement, but he quickly regained control of himself and the surprise quickly subsided, "well the good news is that there is only one week of school left." _

_"I know, it's such a relief that this didn't happen sooner, but my boyfriend and I also just broke up two weeks ago. I really don't know what to do. My parents will undoubtedly kick me out of the house." _

_"Have you had any job offers Ms. Evans?" _

_"Yes, for the auror programs in _ _England_ _Australia__, and _ _France__." _

_"Which one do you prefer?" _

_"The one in _ _Australia__, I really want to just leave _ _England__." _

_"well Ms. Evans, under the conditions that you inform your parents of you pregnancy and that you remain in touch with me throughout this entire process I will gladly assist you by supplying you with a house in which you can live for however long you may deem it necessary." _

_"Professor, I couldn't. It's too much on your part, this isn't your responsibility." _

_"You are one of my dearest students Lily, it is my responsibility. Plus, it's a summer house which I rarely visit anyway. Therefore you will accept the offer because I need to be sure that you are in a safe environment as well as your child." _

_"Thank you sir, thank you so much." _

**_End flashback _**

**-- **

She had remained in that house for a year before she had finally managed to save up the money in order to buy a proper house for Harry. She owed that man everything; her son had lived the life that he deserved because of him. Without him she honestly didn't want to think of what would have happened.

"Six more days and I'll be in England once again."

--

**_author's note: _****so what do you think? I'd really like to have some feedback, this chapter mainly served as a filler, I wanted to give some more background info. **

**1 question: who do you think will be Lily's partner? **


	3. the other side of the world

**_Disclaimer: _****idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**And since this chapter has a song u should be aware that I am musically inept… so yeah not mine (it's "Look what you've done" by Jet) **

**-- **

**The one that he pushed away **

**-- **

**_Summary:_**** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his. **

**-- **

**Chapter III: the other side of the world**

**-- **

"Hey mate," Sirius greeted James as he walked into the pub, "where's the girlfriend?"

"We broke up."

"When?"

"This morning."

"Didn't really like her anyway, she couldn't ever shut up."

"Well she seemed to like me, as well as my money. She was especially fond of that," James told his friend as he quickly downed a shot.

"Honestly, have you ever dated a girl that wasn't interested in your money? And you better slow down with those; I don't want to have to carry your sorry as home tonight."

"There was one."

"There was one, what?"

"You have a really bad memory. There was one girl that I dated that wasn't interested in my money."

"Who?"

"Lily."

"James, you promised you'd stop talking about her."

"Well the topic came up."

**Take my photo off the wall  
if it just won't sing for you  
'Cause all that's left has gone away  
and there's nothing there for you to prove**

They sat in silence until Sirius randomly started chuckling.

"What is it Padfoot?"

"It's just really ironic."

"What it?"

"The girl that you cheat on is the amazing one, that no other can compare to, but after you broke up and started dating other girls you stopped cheating. You didn't cheat on the annoying, bitchy girls what kind of logic is that?"

**Oh, looks what you've done  
you've made a fool of everyone  
Oh well, it seems likes such fun  
until you lose what you had won**

"I still love her."

At that statement Sirius did a double take before sputtering, "What?"

"I still love her."

"I heard you, but that was two years ago, how can you still love her. I thought you just missed her."

**Give me back my point of view  
'Cause I just can't think for you  
I can hardly hear you say  
what should I do, well you choose**

"You saw her Sirius. She was one of your friends. She was amazing, knew everything about quidditch, smart, witty, hot-"

"You cheated on her James."

"I know."

"Multiple times."

"You think that I don't regret it?!"

**Oh, look what you've done  
you've made a fool of everyone  
Oh well, it seems likes such fun  
until you lose what you had won**

"All I'm saying is that you don't deserve to miss her. You broke her heart so many times James. You took the most amazing girl in school for granted-"

"I know, I know, okay? Stop berating me."

"No mate, I love you like a brother, but you fucked up. Every guy in school was jealous of you. There wasn't any one that wasn't attracted to Lily. It's like you said, she was smart, funny, hot, and knew her quidditch. And she loved you. Tons of guys asked her out even while you two were dating and she never gave them a second look. Yet you cheated on her, you threw it all away. So you know what? Get out of this stupid self pity because you had the most amazing girl in the world and you let her go. I'm not going to let you mope around when you don't deserve it."

**Oh, look what you've done  
you've made a fool of everyone  
A fool of everyone  
A fool of everyone**

"What kind of friend doesn't even have some semblance of sympathy?"

"The good kind James. I loved her too you know," at James' alarmed expression after that comment he was forced to elaborate "oh please James, you know very well that it wasn't in the romantic sense. She was like a sister to me; I've never loved a girl as much as I loved her. She was irreplaceable and I still miss her, I still worry about her every day. I'm still scared that I'll never see her again, that I'll never get a chance to work for her forgiveness."

**Take my photo off the wall  
if it just won't sing for you  
'Cause all that's left has gone away  
and there's nothing there for you to do**

"Why would she have to forgive you? You didn't cheat on her?"

"I knew. I knew that you were cheating on her and I didn't tell her."

"Does she know that?"

"Why do you think we haven't stayed in touch?"

"I never thought that she meant that much to you."

"We were friends way before you two started dating."

"I know, but I figured that since you let me ask her out-"

"Don't James- don't shift the blame onto me, I already feel guilty enough as it is, don't add to it."

"But why did you let me ask her out?"

"Honestly? I thought that you wouldn't do that to her, that you _couldn't_. I mean she is the perfect girl, I didn't think that it was possible to cheat on her."

**Oh, look what you've done  
You've made a fool of everyone  
Oh well, it seems likes such fun  
Until you lose what you had won**

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Letting you down."

"It's not me that you should be saying that to."

"I know, but it's easier."

**Oh, look what you've done  
You've made a fool of everyone  
A fool of everyone  
A fool of everyone**

--

**_Author's note: _****thank you so much to all of the people that reviewed it mean so much to me, I wrote out 2 more chapters yesterday because of it (now I have 2 actually type it up) **


	4. life’s little curveballs

**_Disclaimer: _****idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**-- **

**The one that he pushed away **

**-- **

**_Summary:_**** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his. **

**-- **

**Chapter IV: life's little curveballs **

**-- **

'Remus?'

'Lily is that you?'

'What are you doing here?'

'Howdy partner?' he said as more of a question than anything else while weakly waving at her.

**-- **

**_Flashback: _**

****

_Lily's apartment: _

_'I'm coming, I'm coming,' she yelled as she ran towards the door, praying that the incessant knocking would cease and desist already. _

_When she opened the door she was met with an overly perky girl whom she assumed to be the new nanny. _

_'Hi, I'm amber.' _

_'Figures,' Lily muttered. _

_'Excuse me?' _

_'Oh, I'm sorry, early morning and mumbling come as a full, poorly packed package when it comes to me. Come in, I'm Lily Evans,' Lily said in an attempt to recover. _

_'It's really nice to meet you Ms. Evans; I'm so excited to be working for you of all people.' _

_'Really?' Lily asked in a skeptical vice. _

_'Well, yeah. I mean you're making history, the first woman to be head of the auror's department. It's truly amazing, congratulations on the accomplishment.' _

_'Thank you,' Lily blushed while the girl blushed over her accomplishment. _

_'Anyway you probably have to get ready so I'll let you be.' _

_'Well Harry's room is the last one to the right. I'm sure that you know what to do when it comes to caring for a child, but in case you have any questions my last nanny, Maria, felt the need to make a manual, she even has a table of contents.' _

_'Wow.' _

_'Yeah, she was a bit overzealous, but she was with Harry since he was born, she really loved him.' _

_'Well I'm sure I'll put it to use if a problem arises.' _

**-- **

_Auror department: _

_'Hello, I'm Lily Evans. Could you please direct me towards the meeting room?' _

_'Of course,' the secretary told her while getting up in order to lead her towards the room. 'Your partner is already in there, but I'm afraid that Moody has yet to arrive.' _

_'Thank you,' Lily told her with a smile once they were in front of the door. _

_'Breathe Lily, breathe. Dumbledore wants you to do this, you can do this. You'll be fine,' she told herself in a desperate attempt to calm her nerves. 'Let's get on with the show and see what's behind door number one,' she thought to herself as she opened the door. The sight before her was what she had least expected. _

_'Remus,' was the only word she said, after that she lost all capability of speech. _

**_End flashback_**

**-- **

'Oh, good, both of you have already arrived,' moody said as he walked into the room, interrupting them from what could only be depicted as a staring contest. 'Now make yourselves comfortable and let's get down to business.'

Lily sat in there concentrating on every word that Moody uttered. She had never paid such attention to what someone was saying, but she was willing to go to whatever lengths that may be necessary in order to avoid thinking about Remus and the baggage that came with their history.

After two hours of reviewing what would be their responsibilities as heads Moody was finally prepared to conclude his tirade regarding what the duties that were associated with their titles. 'Well that pretty much covers it, I will be checking up on you routinely in order to ensure that everything is running smoothly. Good luck,' he told them as he raised himself and shook their hands before leaving.

'So,' Remus said as he sat across from her, still unsure as to how he should behave around her, 'how've you been Lils? Has life been treating you well?'

'I'm enjoying it, you?'

'I've missed you, you know,' he blurted out and as soon as he did he regretted the words because he knew what the reaction would be from that ferocious temper of hers.

'Well you have no right to, I'll be in my office,' she coldly told him as she walked out the room.

'What the fuck just happened?' Remus asked himself as he watched her walk out the door. That wasn't the Lily that he knew, this one actually seemed to be in control of her temper.

**-- **

On the other side of the hallway…

'How could he say that? What right does he have, he lied to me! He let me have hope!' Lily yelled as she threw her stapler at the wall, still reeling from her encounter with Remus. 'That bastard,' she yelled as she collapsed onto the floor, tears streaming down her face.

**-- **

Dinner:

'So Remus how was your first day as head honcho of the auror's department?' James asked as they sat in the restaurant having a celebratory dinner in honor of Remus.

'Great, you won't guess who my new partner is.'

'Who?'

'Lily Evans.'

At that moment Sirius, who had been drinking his fire whiskey couldn't control himself and spit out his drink in James' face.

James however, barely took notice of the fact. He seemed to still be trying to register the information that had just been divulged.

'So how is she?'

'Different.'

'How? Lily's not really the type of person to change.'

'Well she's hotter.'

'There is no way that, that girl could get any hotter.'

'She is. She also has surprising restraint and control over her temper. Oh, and she hates me,' Remus added as an after thought.

'Is she married?' James asked.

'I know that this may come as a surprise to you James, but when a girl hates you she really doesn't usually talk about her personal life with you.'

'Well did you see a ring?' James asked, frustrated by Remus' sarcasm.

'I didn't look, why does it matter anyway?'

'It doesn't.'

'James, quit with the bullshit,' Sirius berated him.

'Listen I was just asking because I was curious, let's just drop it.'

'Fine, how was quidditch practice?'

'It was great, I was officially named captain of the English team for when we go into the cup,' James exclaimed.

'Mate, that's amazing, congrats.'

'I know that we said that we wouldn't talk about it, but I have to ask,' Sirius interrupted, 'how is she?'

'Sirius, I already told you.'

'No- no, I mean _how_ is she, as in does she look happy?'

'Yeah, other then when she's thinking about me, she really does.'

'Do you think-'

'No.'

'You don't even know what I was going to ask.'

'She won't want to talk to you mate.'

'Okay, so maybe you did know.'

'Guys, I really am sorry,' James told them.

'Why now?' asked an exasperated Sirius. He always got tired of James when he got into his Lily moods where he would mope over what he lost for weeks.

'Because it's my fault that she won't talk to either of you.'

'No. I hate to say it mate, it's be easier to blame you, but she's right. We were her friends, she trusted us, but we didn't protect her. I considered her a sister; it was my responsibility above all others to look out for her. We weren't good friends to her, she deserved better.'

'I really did love her you know.'

'James sometimes you're better off just not saying anything and this is one of those times,' Sirius told his friend in a dangerous tone. 'You've told me a million times that you love her, but guess what James, you have no right to say that. You never loved her enough to stop cheating on her. I forgave you for the effects that it had on me, but I will never forgive you for breaking Lily's heart.'

'He's right James, quit it with the self pitying bull shit, it gets old fast,' Remus chastised his friend.

'It's just that I thought I would be able to get over her. It's been two years already, but I can't. I just can't help, but wonder if she was the love of my life.

'Well if she was you lost her,' Sirius told him before getting up and leaving them.

'He's right to be fed up mate; you don't have the right to act like the innocent party. Talk to us when you have some more common sense,' Remus said before making his exit as well.

'Maybe she's not so much the one that got away as the one that I pushed away,' James muttered to himself.

--

**_Author's note: what can I say I am an advocate for werewolf rights LoL! Anyway there u have it the partner was Remus and everyone was wrong. Come on I am cliché, but not so cliché as to make James the partner _**


	5. lunch is the best meal of the day

**_Disclaimer: _idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**--**

**The one that he pushed away**

**--**

**_Summary:_ she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his.**

**--**

**Chapter V: lunch is the best meal of the day**

**--**

9am

Auror's department:

"How long are you going to avoid me Lily?" Remus asked as he barged into her office.

"What do you want me to say? I just don't know how to act around you. With our history it's so awkward and I can't lie to you about the fact that I still resent you for not having told me when he was cheating on me."

"He is my best mate Lily."

"I know, but you could have goaded him into telling me."

"Lils-"

"I realize that I screwed up too, I came back and forgave him so many times, but you still could have told me. At least once out of those five times that I caught him. But NO, not once did you warn me about the fact that he was fucking another woman."

"I was wrong and I'll do whatever I can to get you to forgive me, just please give me a chance to work for it Lily. I want to be friends again."

"I don't know if I can do that Remus. You know, as well as I do, that I was never good at the whole forgive and forget thing."

"I lost you once Lils, I can't do it again. Can you please give me a shot? We can go out to lunch today, take it step by step."

"Okay," she nodded her head in a shy agreement to his request.

"Great, I'll pick you up here at twelve; I've got to go now. Need to do some work on the Peterson case," he told her as he quickly left her office.

Once she closed the door all Lily could do was repeatedly slam her head against the wall, asking herself: "what the hell did I just agree to?"

--

11:45

Auror's department:

"Is this the office of head auror Remus Lupin?" Sirius asked as he walked into the room.

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

"Practice is over, but James had to stay behind for some captain business with the coach. Since he'll be here soon anyway we thought that we'd take our favorite werewolf out to a celebratory lunch since we never got to finish our meals last night."

"Thanks mate, but I already have plans."

"With who?"

"Lily. I got her to agree to it, took a little persuading and a lot of begging, but she gave in, in the end."

"Can I come?"

"No Sirius."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't just show up with you. I barely got her to agree to have lunch with me and then if I ambush her by showing up with you she'll never forgive me."

"Fine," Sirius conceded as he threw himself onto the couch in Remus' office, "but what am I going to do for lunch?"

"You still have James, listen I have to go meet Lily. Bye."

"Good luck."

--

Lily's office

12:01

He couldn't help, but be nervous. He knew that she was still angry, after all it was Lily, she was a stubborn little witch who knew how to hold a grudge. He just didn't want to screw it up again.

Before he even had a chance to knock on the door Lily opened it, "what's with just standing there in front of the door."

Remus shrugged, "what do you feel like having for lunch today?"

"How about Chinese, there's a great place around the block."

"You've been here for two days and you already know the best places to eat. Now that's what I call talent."

"I make it my business to know, that is so long as food is involved. You are well aware of my eating habits."

"Don't remind me, they haunt me to this day."

She shoved him lightly into the lift.

"Hey, watch it; this is valuable merchandise that should be handled with care."

"Don't worry I didn't hurt myself Remus."

"Now that's mean."

"You loved it."

"You overestimate yourself."

"No way, look at me. I'm the epitome of female perfection."

"Ha!"

"You're an ass Remus."

"And people are staring at us."

"That's because we are arguing a bit too loudly on the street."

"Really, it is? I never would have guessed!" Remus told her in fake shock as he opened the door for her.

"Sarcasm doesn't suit you well Remy."

"Oh Merlin, not that name again."

"Hello, table for two?" a waitress interrupted them.

"Yes, one by the window please."

"Of course."

Once they seated themselves and opened their menus Remus couldn't take it anymore and asked, "did you miss me?"

"Remus, I honestly doubt that you want the answer to that question."

"I had to ask you know. I missed you Lils you were one of my best friends-"

"Don't Remus, don't. I'm trying to take the high road here, don't make it harder for me than it already is. I want to forgive you, don't make it impossible for me."

"I just want you to know how sorry I am."

"I can't believe you just yet. Too much happened, I need time to-"

"Oy! Is that _the_ Remus Lupin and Lillian Audrey Evans?" they heard a voice ask across the room.

"Oh no," Remus said as he tried to cover hi face with his menu.

"Hi Lily," said a grinning Sirius once he made his way to their table.

"Sirius what are you doing here?" asked a visibly irritated Remus.

"Well James and I-"

"James?"

"Oh shit," Sirius said as realization dawned upon him.

"Sirius, you idiot."

"I didn't know that you two would be here, sorry."

"It's okay Sirius, I'd just rather not see him now so maybe you could help," Lily interrupted their conversation.

"Oh yeah. I'll just go then, bye," Sirius said as he walked away.

"I'm sorry about that Lily; I didn't know that they were going to show up."

"It's fine Remus. Potential crisis averted, that's all that matters."

"You know, you never told me what happened to you after Hogwarts."

"That would be because you never asked."

"Touché, so enlighten me, what has the lovely Ms. Evans been up to since we last saw one another at Hogwarts?"

"I've been working in Australia."

"A bit too monosyllabic for my taste, care to elaborate?"

"Well what more is there to say?"

"How's your family been? I know that you're really close to them."

At that question Lily visibly stiffened, "I don't speak to them anymore."

"Why not?"

"Now that one's a bit private."

"Okay, then how about your life outside of work. What do you do when you're outside of the office?"

"I have drinks with friends, enjoy my evening, you know." It was true; she did routinely go out and party with friends in Australia. (True, it was only twice a week, but she had never specified how often) and she did enjoy her evenings, being with Harry brought her so much joy.

"You sound happy."

"I am, I really am. I didn't think that I would be, but it all turned out for the best in the end."

"That's good, you deserve it."

"Hi," the waiter greeted them, "may I take your order?"

--

**_author's note: _so I have to ask, what do you think of her giving Remus a chance??????**

**anyway,**

**I have a major bout of writer's block… I dunno why, I know where I'm going (I even have a plan written out) but I just can't bring myself to write, so I think I might be updating about once a week from now on unless im cured of it…**


	6. dream boy

_**Disclaimer: **_**idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**And since this chapter has a song u should be aware that I am musically inept… so yeah not mine (it's "36 degrees" by placebo)**

**--**

**The one that he pushed away**

**--**

_**Summary:**_** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his.**

**--**

**Chapter VI: dream boy**

**--**

_They lay in bed holding one another, cradling each other in their arms. As he looked down at her with those adoring eyes she felt loved and comfortable with herself for the first time._

_He slowly leaned down so that him mouth was right next to her ear before whispering, "you are the most amazing thing that I've ever seen, I can't imagine my life without you Lils."_

At that precise moment Lily practically leapt from her bed. The dreams had been haunting her ever since she had moved back to England. She loathed them; she hated the pain that she went through every time that she reminisced over the good moments throughout her relationship with James. The dreams always made her want to fall in love with James all over again.

"Don't- don't think about him Lily. Remember all of the times that he broke your heart?" she chastised herself for being so weak. "Bloody hell, I'm going crazy. Can't even sleep without having a dream about my ex," she exclaimed as she threw herself onto the bed.

**--**

Midnight

Marauders' residence:

"So how was lunch with Lily?"

"Great after you left."

"Wait you saw her?" James asked Sirius.

"Yeah, they were in the restaurant that you met me at."

"I thought you said that they had run out of Chinese food."

"Sirius, I can't believe that that was your excuse, you're so- with, you bought that?" Remus redirected his attention to James.

"Why would he lie to me?"

"Man, you're so gullible."

"I'm trusting, sue me."

"You believed that they had run out of Chinese food."

"What ever, I'll be in my room if you need me," James told them as he left.

"So how is she?" Sirius asked once James was out of ear shot.

"She's good, happy."

"And she forgave you?"

"Not so much as she's giving me a chance to redeem myself."

"Lucky bastard," Sirius muttered.

"Just promise you won't ambush her."

"What? Why would I do that?"

"I know that you're going to try to reconnect with her, so just promise me that you won't ambush her."

"Yes mom."

"Very good son, now I'm off to get some beauty sleep."

**--**

_Knock, knock_

As soon as Lily heard the knock on the door on her way to the kitchen she was baffled, "who the hell visits someone at twelve thirty in the morning?"

As soon as she opened the door she knew that she should be surprised, but she wasn't, "Sirius what are you doing here so late at night?"

"you know, some would say that it's early in the morning," said a nervous Sirius in an attempt to alleviate some of the tension.

"Yeah, well I'm not one of them. Why are you here?"

"I found out that you lived here and wanted to visit you."

"I figured as much, now how about telling me why you're here."

"Can I come in?"

Lily sighed, it was better to just tackle it head on; there really wasn't any reason to avoid it. Like it or not Remus was her partner. She couldn't avoid him forever.

_Both of them._

**We were tight, but it falls apart as silver turns to blue.  
Waxing with a candlelight, and burning just for you.  
Allocate your sentiment, and stick it in a box.  
I've never been an extrovert, but I'm still breathing.  
**

"Okay," she said as she moved to the side and further opened the door so that he could get through.

"Nice place."

"I like it. My mother would hate it; say that I should buy a bigger place when I can afford it."

"It suits you, looks lived in."

"Thanks."

"I know that I am probably the last person that you want to see, but I had to come and see you. I'll understand if you kick me out and never want to see me again, but please give me a chance to say what I have to say first."

"Okay."

"I didn't mean to hurt you Lils; I honestly thought that I was doing the right thing. That I was being loyal to both friends, I didn't think about-"

"That's right Sirius, you didn't think. You let him hurt me. You let me take him back every time. I know that it was my fault too for going back to him, but how could you not tell me? How could you let me make a fool of myself? I thought that you respected me more than that, care for me-"

**Someone tried to do me ache (it's what I'm afraid of)**

With hindsight, I was more than blind, lost without a clue.  
Thought I was getting carat gold, and what I got was you.  
Stuck inside the circumstances, lonely at the top.  
I've always been an introvert  
happily bleeding.

"I did- I do. I love you; you were one of my best mates."

"Funny way of showing it."

"I didn't know what to do, I was stupid."

"Sirius, you made your bed, now just lie in it. You really hurt me and I can't just forgive you."

"But you forgave Remus."

"I haven't forgiven him, I'm trying to and the only reason that I'm even giving it a shot is because we work together. In a mission he'd be my partner and in that type of situation you have to be able to trust them with your life."

"Just give me a chance Lily."

**Someone tried to do me ache (it's what I'm afraid of)**

4 7 2 3 9 8 5 - I gotta breathe to stay alive,  
and 1 4 2 9 7 8 - feels like I'm gonna suffocate.  
14 16 22 - this skin that turns to blister blue.  
Shoulders toes and knees, I'm 36 degrees,  
shoulders toes and knees, I'm 36 degrees,  
shoulder toes and knees, I'm 36 degrees,  
shoulders toes and knees, I'm 36 degrees.

"Sirius, I just- I can't."

"Lunch, just lunch."

"Fine, when?" Lily gave in.

"Tomorrow, I'll pick you up at your office at twelve."

"Fine."

At that exact moment a crying was heard throughout the apartment.

"Lily what is that?"


	7. the dilemma of the little tyke

_**Disclaimer: **_**idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**--**

**The one that he pushed away**

**--**

_**Summary:**_** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his.**

**--**

**Chapter VII: the dilemma of the little tyke**

**--**

_Previously:_

"_Lunch, just lunch."_

"_Fine, when?" Lily gave in._

"_Tomorrow, I'll pick you up at your office at twelve."_

"_Fine."_

_At that exact moment a crying was heard throughout the apartment._

"_Lily what is that?"_

--

"Sirius, I think that you should go," she told him as she desperately tried to ignore the incessant crying in the background.

"Do you have a kid?" he asked as he pushed past her, walking towards the door from which the crying was coming from.

"Sirius, this really isn't any of your business."

"Then explain who that is."

She hesitated; she didn't know how to answer the question. She couldn't just lie to him; he could always tell when she did.

"Lily, is that your son?"

"Yes," she told him quietly, almost timidly.

An unexpected smile broke out across Sirius' face, "that's great Lily. I can't believe that Remus didn't tell me that you're married, you'd guess that he'd-"

"Sirius, I'm not married."

"You're not?" Sirius asked, confused by the situation.

"No, by the time that I found out I was pregnant we had already broke up."

"Well is the bloke a good father at least?"

"I wouldn't know."

"How could you not know? It's your child's father."

"I wouldn't know because Harry's father doesn't know about him."

Realization dawned upon Sirius' face, "wait- no, you would do that- you couldn't do that-"

"Sirius, please, don't tell anyone-"

"So it is his!" Sirius yelled at her, furious at her lack of compassion towards her friend.

"Yes."

"How could you not tell him?"

"Because he broke my heart Sirius. If I wanted to be a good mom to Harry I couldn't be around James. I couldn't deal with that, it hurt too much. Besides, I was saving him-"

"Don't you dare try to use that excuse Lils. You are very aware of that fact that he would have loved the tyke and been a good dad to him, I just don't understand how you of all people could do that."

"I couldn't deal with him, not right after I had finally got up the courage to end it. I'm weak when it comes to him and I was at my worst then, I just couldn't deal with it if he was involved."

"You have to tell him."

"No."

"He deserves to know."

"He doesn't deserve anything after what he did to me.'

'Then I'll tell him."

"Sirius, you can't."

"If you don't then I'll have to."

"Fine, if you want to be that was then you can tell him, but don't you dare come back to me. You chose sides again," she yelled at him as she shocked him by pushing him out the door and slamming it in his face.

"Lily think about what you're doing. It's wrong and you know it as well as I do. Just tell him, don't make me be the one to do the dirty work," Sirius told her through the door.

Lily opened the door in tears, "and what do I say Sirius? Can you picture it? _Hey James, you know when you were shagging another girl while we were dating? Yeah, well, turns out that you knocked me up and I never told you because you had cheated on me with that fucking whore_."

Sirius winced at her choice of words, but stood his ground, "Lily, he deserves to know."

"And I deserved to have a boyfriend who loved me and dint cheat on me, as you can see, life's not always that fair Sirius."

"I know, I know," he whispered soothingly as he impulsively hugged her.

"It's not fair, he doesn't deserve my chivalry," she cried into his chest.

"What about Henry?"

"It's Harry," she giggled in his arms.

"Okay, Harry. Doesn't he deserve to have a father?"

"I guess…"

"And you and I both know that James may have been a horrible boyfriend, but he would be an amazing father."

"But I can't be around him Sirius!"

"Not even for Harry?"

She let out a deep sigh, "you have to tell him… I can't do it. I'll let him be a dad to Harry and be present in his life, but I can't be the one to tell him about Harry. In the end I wouldn't do it if I tried."

"Fine, it's a deal."

"When are you going to tell him?"

"I don't know yet… sometime this week probably… when the time's right."

Lily untangled herself from Sirius' arms and looked up at him, "you should go now."

"Any chance that we can meet for lunch tomorrow?"

"I don't know Sirius-"

"Come on, please," he pouted.

"Okay, pick me up at twelve."

"Do you think that I can see the little tyke now?"

"Don't push it Sirius."

"Right, I'll just go now."

--

_Next morning:_

_Marauders' residence:_

"Good morning," Sirius greeted his friends as he walked into the kitchen.

"What's got you in such a chipper mood?" Remus asked.

"Lily agreed to have lunch with me."

"So she's friends with you too now?" James asked.

"Oh, she pretty much hates me, but I'm working on it. She's warming up to me."

"Should I go see her too?" James asked.

"No! Why the hell would you do that? She hates your guts James," Remus told him, alarmed by the prospect of the two being in the same room (and the physical damage that it would cause James).

"She hates yours too, but she agreed to lunch."

"I don't know how to put this nicely… you were a fucking asshole James, you cheated on her."

"I know, but-"

"No _buts_. There is no reason why she would ever want to see you again-"

"Actually, there is," Sirius said, wincing at the inevitable blow up that his confession would cause.

"Oh really? What's that Sirius?" Remus asked sarcastically.

"Um- well- she kind of has something of James."

"What?" Remus and James asked simultaneously, both confused as to what Sirius was eluding to.

"Well- you see- she kind of had your kid."

"Wait- what?" James asked, still confused.

"You got her pregnant James. Right before you two broke up. She found out after you two split, but couldn't tell you."

"I have to go," James muttered as he disapparated from the kitchen.

"That's not good, is it?" Sirius asked.

"Lily got knocked up?" Remus asked, still confused.

--

**_author's note:_ so the fact that i left a bigger cliff hanger in this chapter than i did in the last one was totaly unintentional and i'm sorry, anyway i will probably only get to update again somewhere between thursday and saturday**

**plz review, i'd love to hear feedback, i really appreciate all the reviews that i recieve**


	8. his name’s Harry…

_**Disclaimer: **_**idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**And since this chapter has a song u should be aware that I am musically inept… so yeah not mine (it's "Liar Liar" by Alex Johnson/Jude Harrison, Instant Star)**

**--**

**The one that he pushed away**

**--**

_**Summary:**_** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his.**

**--**

**Chapter VIII: his name's Harry…**

**--**

_Previously:_

"_Well- you see- she kind of had your kid."_

"_Wait- what?" James asked, still confused._

"_You got her pregnant James. Right before you two broke up. She found out after you two split, but couldn't tell you."_

"_I have to go," James muttered as he disapparated from the kitchen._

"_That's not good, is it?" Sirius asked._

"_Lily got knocked up?" Remus asked, still confused._

_End re-cap_

--

"One second," she yelled as she walked towards the incessant pounding on the door. "What do you-" she stopped speaking once she saw that it was James standing before her.

He looked the same except for having filled out a lot more so that he looked so much more rugged now, _very sexy_.

"James, what are you doing here?" she asked quietly, regardless of the fact that she already knew the answer to that question.

"When were you going to tell me?" he asked, seething with so much anger that it frightened her, she had rarely seen him in such a state.

"James, calm down-"

"Don't you dare tell me to calm down Lily!"

"Fine, then I'm not talking to you. I'm not going to put up with your temper."

"Oh please, your temper is five times worse then mine ever was; don't give me that bull shit."

"Well not anymore, it tends to scare Harry; I have to control it around him."

James' face softened at that note, "Harry?"

"Yeah, after your father. He was a good man, I wanted to commemorate him memory in some way."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

"But really, when were you going to tell me?"

"Why don't you take a seat James," she said as she seated herself on the couch.

He nodded and took a place on the chair across from her.

"I don't think that I was ever planning on telling you-"

"What?!" James yelled.

"James, shut up and let me finish."

"Fine," she muttered.

"I didn't think that I was ever going to tell you, but everything changed when Sirius came last night. We talked about it, and yelled, for a few hours and he helped me realize that I had to tell you. That you really did have a right to be a father figure to Harry if you wanted to. So I asked him to be the one to tell you."

"Lily, I just- I don't understand- why didn't you tell me in the first place?"

"I had finally got up the courage to leave you and not take you back regardless of whatever stunt you might pull in order to get me back. I didn't want to lose that, I finally felt strong and it was reassuring. The only problem was that I knew that if I told you, and had to be around you again especially so soon after we ended things, I'd lose my restraint. I couldn't do that, you broke my heart so many times and I couldn't let it happen again, I needed to be a strong mother for Harry."

"I'm sorry."

"I should have told you to begin with."

"Yeah, but regardless of that, I've wanted to apologize to you for two years now-"

"It's in the past James, let's just leave it there, we have to focus on Harry."

"Lily, just let me get this out."

"Okay."

"I really did love you and I was a jackass, I always relied on the fact that you would come back to me, I took you for granted and you deserved so much better than that."

"James I need you to promise me something."

"Name it."

"I need you to promise me that you won't make me fall in love with you again."

"Lily, I-"

--

11 am

Aurors' department

Remus' office

Lilt walked right in without even bothering too knock, "hey Remus, I'm sorry if you're doing something and I'm interrupting, but I need to ask you something."

"Um, sure, ask away," he told her regardless of the fact that he was wary of what she might ask and completely confused by her disheveled appearance.

"Do you think James ever loved me?"

"Lils-"

"don't 'Lils' me, Remus. Just tell me, it's really rather simple, yes or no, which one is it?" she snapped.

"Yes."

At that response Lily broke down in tears, "then why Remus? Why did he do that to me? You don't hurt someone that you love like that?"

"Lily what happened?"

--

_Flashback:_

"_Promise me that you won't make me fall in love with you."_

"_Lily, I don't know if I can-"_

"_James please, just do this for me. I don't want to get hurt again, and you know as well as I do that in the end that's just what you'll do."_

"_Lily, I love you. I can't just turn something like that off. No other girl has ever compared to you-"_

**You said I was your everything,  
You said I was the one,  
You played me like a radio,  
You use to love that I had no shame.**

"_Yet that still didn't stop you from fucking other girls, I still wasn't enough for you," she interrupted him bitterly._

"_It wasn't like that-"_

**Pour my pain into words,  
Hold my hand to the flame.**

Tell me you love me like a star  
Tell me you want me where ever you are,   
Tell me you breathe me until your last breath.  
Liar, Liar, oh, Liar, Liar.

"_Really? Then what was it like? Please, enlighten me James."_

"_I- I-"_

"_That's what I thought."_

"_No-"_

"_James, I think that you should just leave."_

"_No, Lily-"_

"_you can come by at eight tonight to meet Harry, and I'll send you an owl sometime today outlining what times are good for me for you to meet up with Harry."_

"_Lils-"_

"_You can owl me back if you have any problems with it."_

"_Lily!"_

**Bit by bit I feel the draft,  
Just sit back and watch it burn,  
Hold your eyes up to my veins,  
Call out, call my name **

"_Please, just go James."_

"_Fine, but can we talk again?"_

"_I'll see."_

"_Lils!"_

"_Bye James," she told him as she pushed him out the door._

_End flashback_

_--_

"I hate him Remus!" she cried, "I really hate him for everything that he puts me through."

"Lily," he hugged her, "he doesn't mean to hurt you."

"Then he should just let me go."

"I know."

"Then why can't he just accept that he screwed up?"

"Because he loves you."

**Tell me you love me like a star,  
Tell me you want me where ever you are,  
Tell me you breathe me until your last breath.  
Liar, Liar,  
Oh, Liar, Liar, Liar, Liar, Oh, Liar, Liar **

"Just not enough to stop fucking other girls."

He was at a loss for words, how could someone respond to that? When it came to the bottom line she was right, he hadn't given it up.

Lily began wiping her tears away and separated from Remus to check her make up in the mirror, "Merlin, I look like a right bloody mess."

"No you don't, you always look amazing."

"Thanks, you're so sweet, but I should go, I have lunch plans with Sirius," se told him as she turned towards the door.

"Hey Lily," he called out suddenly as she was half way out the door. Once she turned around he told her, "you never told me if you were still in love with him."

--

_**Author's note: **_**so what do you think? Do you think she still loves him? Do you even like this chapter? Did I follow up the cliff hanger well or was it disappointing? Opinions are always accepted… **


	9. an analysis of the past

_**Disclaimer: **_**idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**--**

**The one that he pushed away**

**--**

_**Summary:**_** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his.**

**--**

**Chapter IX: an analysis of the past**

**--**

_Previously:_

"_Because he loves you."_

"_Just not enough to stop fucking other girls."_

_He was at a loss for words, how could someone respond to that? When it came to the bottom line she was right, he hadn't given it up._

_Lily began wiping her tears away and separated from Remus to check her make up in the mirror, "Merlin, I look like a right bloody mess."_

"_No you don't, you always look amazing."_

"_Thanks, you're so sweet, but I should go, I have lunch plans with Sirius," se told him as she turned towards the door._

"_Hey Lily," he called out suddenly as she was half way out the door. Once she turned around he told her, "You never told me if you were still in love with him."_

--

"In a way I guess that I do, but it's more that I love that connection that we had. We were able to talk to one another for hours on end and then he was also an amazing shag. I'm not in love with him anymore, I'm in love with what we could have been, I hate him for having put me through all of the pain that I had to endure, all of the heartbreak. I hate all of you for giving me hope, and I hate myself for being naïve enough to believe that he wanted to change," she told him before she turned to leave.

"I'm sorry," he called out.

At those words Lily visibly tensed, "I know that you are, and I'm trying to forgive you, but I'm going to need some time to be able to fully trust you again."

"I'll do whatever it takes, wait however long you may need me to, I screwed up, I deserve to have to work for our friendship."

"Bye Remus."

--

_Lunch with Sirius:_

"So I have a question," Sirius told her as they sat in the restaurant waiting for their meals to arrive.

"Shoot."

"Did James come to you today, because I told him this morning?"

"Yeah, he did."

"Oh." They both sat in an awkward silence until Sirius finally asked, "so are you going to tell me what happened nor not?"

"Sirius, hasn't anyone ever taught you that patience is a virtue?"

"I've got enough of them," at that statement Lily no so gracefully snorted. "Now how about telling me what happened when he came by?"

"He came, we talked about Harry, then we talked about us, that's it."

"What about you two?"

"His undying love for me. Particularly how he refuses to meet my request that he doesn't make me fall in love with him again."

"So… what are you going to do?"

"What are my choices?"

"Well are you going to let him see Harry or not?"

"Of course I am, he knows now. It would be stupid to keep him from having a relationship with Harry; I'm just going to avoid James throughout the bonding process."

"So Harry isn't ever going to have any _real_ family bonding time, you know, with his _whole_ family present."

"I hate you."

"You know that I'm right," he smirked.

"Fine, I'll talk to him."

"That's all that I ask."

"Bloody wanker."

"Now that's not very nice,' Sirius reprimanded her.

"Here you go," the waiter said as he placed their food in front of them.

"Thank you," they both said to him.

'So how's life Lily?"

"I'd say that it's going well."

"Any special man in your life?"

"Not at the moment."

"Have you dated anyone since you had Harry?"

"Yeah, I've been in a few casual relationships and even in a serious one."

"How'd that go?"

"Lasted about eight months. What about you, any special lady in your life?"

"Um, no," he told her as she blushed.

"Come on Sirius, you can't still be the same playboy tat you were in Hogwarts, you must have matured at least a little bit."

"I'm not; I have definitely changed my ways."

"Then what is it? Why don't you have a girlfriend?"

"Well I doubt that my boyfriend would like it if I had someone on the side, much less a girl."

"Wait- what? You're gay?"

"Yeah, I've been dating this guy, Jason, for about a year now."

"Well I knew that Remus was- but- I thought- but- huh?" Lily sputtered.

"I don't know, I figured it out a bit later in life then most people do. By the time I figured it out when we were at Hogwarts it was too weird to tell anyone because they all saw me as this player. A _straight_ player. I just didn't know how to tell anyone so I came out two days after graduation."

"When did you realize?"

"Summer before seventh year."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Lily asked with a hurt expression upon her face.

"I was scared- it freaked me out. You know that I never liked the thought of being different."

"Hate to break it to you, but technically you're not that different, a lot of people are gay. You should have come to me, told me, something like that was never important to me, all that ever mattered to me was what kind of a friend you were to me."

"Then I still screwed up."

"Yeah, you did," she said quietly, unable to deny the fact.

--

_Lily's apartment_

_3pm_

"Hi Amber," Lily greeted the nanny as she walked into her apartment. "How is my big boy?" she gushed as she took a giggling Harry from the nanny's arms. "Do you know how much I missed you today honey?"

after spending a few minutes getting reacquainted with Harry Lily returned her attention to Amber, "listen Amber I'm really sorry to do this to you, but I am going to have to go back to the offices again at seven and I'll need you to stay because Harry's father is coming by, do you think there is any chance that you can do it? If not I can call someone else."

"Oh it's no problem, I had a date with triple chocolate chunk ice cream tonight anyway, not the most riveting of things."

"Thank you so much Amber. I'm so sorry that it's so last minute, but I just found out as I was leaving the office, I know that I should be back by eleven, is that okay?"

"Yeah sure. I'll go now and I'll come back in an hour if that's okay, my roommate needs some help picking out which pink for our bedroom."

"Okay sure."

"Bye."

As soon as Amber was out of the apartment she looked down at Harry who was in her arms, "don't let her goad you into joining her cult of the peppy people with the pink fetish. She may be a sweet girl, but don't be fooled, it's scary as hell and I will be forced to disown you if you become a part of it. now that we have that cleared how about we have lunch on the couch while watching quidditch?"

At that idea Harry squealed in delight, Lily smiled down at him, "you truly are the perfect son, I love how you adore quidditch at such a young age. I have nothing else I can ask of you, once you love quidditch at such a young age I know that I have given birth to the ideal child and can finally be proud of you," she teased him as she turned on the game.

--

_Lily's apartment_

_8pm_

He tentatively knocked on the door; he still wasn't sure about how he should act around Lily, much less his own son.

Does this kind of thing really come as naturally as people say that it does?

The door opened to reveal a perky young girl, "hi, I'm Amber, the nanny. You must be James, Harry's father. I'm sorry, Lily won't be able to come tonight because she had to go back to the office last minute, but I'll be here to help you out with Harry," she told him as she escorted him to the living room.

James was shocked, to say the least. The girl was able to talk a mile a minute. It would be rather comedic if it wasn't so dreadfully annoying to listen to. How could Harry put up with such a chatter-box was beyond him.

"So, I'll just take you into Harry's room and leave you two alone, if you need anything feel free to call me."

He just numbly shook his head in accordance as she led him to a nursery room. It looked like something Lily would do, breeding a future Gryffindor. She'd already decorated the room to look like the Gryffindor common room save for the fact that there was a crib. She had always held a great deal of house pride, almost as much as him.

He looked at the boy in the crib; the boy looked back at him. It had become a staring contest, he didn't know how else to describe the situation.

"So you're Harry? You do look a lot like I did at you age you know. Only difference is that you have your mom's eyes, be happy about that, she always had the most beautiful eyes, everyone commented on them. They suit you well kid," he stood there shifting his weight from one foot to another. "This would be so much easier if your mother was here, I don't even know what to do, I can't shake your hand, and you sure as hell don't know what I'm saying. Is this by any chance as awkward for you as it is for me?"

Harry stared at him blankly. Finally he raised himself, supported by the railing. James could only assume that the action was his way of telling him that he wanted to be picked up, or at least he hoped so. James went over to him and picked him up.

Sadly for him, Harry threw up as soon as he was in his arms.

"You're a nasty little bugger aren't you?" James told him as he smirked at the boy.

--

_11pm_

_Marauders' residence_

"So you finally got back? We've been waiting forever for you to finally get back so we could know how it went!" Sirius exclaimed once James apparated into the house.

"Sirius calm down it's only been three hours," Remus told him.

"So how'd it go?" Sirius asked as he ignored his friend's reprimanding.

"The boy is bloody brilliant. He got me to pick him up and as soon as I did he threw up on me!"

"Bloody hell, that's an early start! This has got to be the most advanced marauder in training ever!"

"Imagine all of the detentions he'll get if he keeps this up."

"He might beat our record James."

"Since when is that a good thing?" asked an incredulous Remus.

"Remus, we love you and everything, but you don't know jack when it comes to honor and the ways of the marauder," Sirius told him.

"It's true, you may have been one, but you will never truly comprehend how important it is that we pass on out talent to future talents," James agreed.

"You two are retarded."

--

_I'm sorry-_

_I didn't mean to be so harsh this morning. We should be on good terms, at the very least for Harry's sake._

_How about dinner?_

_Tomorrow night, Luigi's, my treat…_

_Write back whenever you can,_

_Lily._

He was surprised when the letter had arrived; he hadn't expected any form of submission on her part, much less at midnight. Remus was right, she really had changed.

He didn't know what to do. He knew that she would tolerate him and even be around him whenever needing be. He couldn't help, but be excited about the prospect, but he also knew that she deserved better then him. It seemed as thought that entire he was ever good at was screwing up her life. He wanted to be that good guy, the guy that deserved her, the one that was her equal, but he didn't know if he could be that guy.

He held the coin in his hand, "heads, I give it another go. Tails, we become good friends, nothing more," he muttered to himself as he threw the coin in the air.

--

_**Author's note: **_**so which do you think that it is? Heads or tails?**


	10. meeting with my baby's dady

_**Disclaimer: **_**idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**--**

**The one that he pushed away**

**--**

_**Summary:**_** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his.**

**--**

**Chapter X: meeting with my baby's daddy**

**--**

_Previously:_

_He didn't know what to do. He knew that she would tolerate him and even be around him whenever need be. He couldn't help, but be excited about the prospect, but he also knew that she deserved better then him. It seemed as thought all that he was ever good at was screwing up her life. He wanted to be that good guy, the guy that deserved her, the one that was her equal, but he didn't know if he could be that guy._

_He held the coin in his hand, "heads, I give it another go. Tails, we become good friends, nothing more," he muttered to himself as he threw the coin in the air._

**--**

_Lily's apartment_

_7pm_

_Knock, knock_

"Coming," Lily yelled as she ran to the door while zipping up her skirt. When she opened the door she froze from shock. When she finally regained consciousness she immediately lunged towards the person standing at the doorway, hugging him for dear life.

"Calm down love, I know I'm hot, but don't ruin the hair because of it."

"Riley, I've missed you so much! What are you doing here?"

"I have some business in England for the next month or so and I figured I'd visit my favorite Sheila in the process."

"You need a place to stay, don't you?" she asked him in a deadpanned voice.

"You know how much I hate hotels. You never know who slept in the beds before you, much less what they did in it."

"There's always room for you, don't worry about it."

"Anyway, now that that's all cleared up, where are you heading out to looking all sexy like that?"

"I'm meeting with Harry's father."

"Oh, wow," Riley had been the only one that she had told about what had really gone on with James. He was the only one not to receive the cliff notes version, and right about now she really didn't know if that was a good thing.

"I already told him about Harry, they met and everything. Now all we need to do is discuss the logistics."

"Logistics?"

"Like when he'll have Harry and when I will."

"Sounds awfully like a business deal."

"Oh shut up you bloody wanker. How else could I possibly describe it anyway?"

"You know I'm really feeling the love here, but I do have to give my congratulations."

"And why would that be?"

"You've only been here for a month and there's already drama, kudos, that's what I call natural talent."

"You're such an ass."

"I do have a rather nice one, don't I? Anyway, where's Harry? I've missed the little tyke."

"Down the hall, last door to the right, but he's taking a nap right now. Oh, and your room will be the one right next to it."

"And here I thought that I'd be sharing with you,' Riley said while wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at her.

In Australia he had been that long term relationship, they had dated for eight months until she received the notice requesting that she take place as head of the auror department in England. Their relationship was a turbulent one, to say the least. They loved to fight, they were always breaking up and getting back together, it was a show to watch.

"Sorry to disappoint, but not a chance honey. Would you look at the time, I have to go, the nanny will be here any minute, she has a key so don't be worried when a perky blonde named Amber waltzes in."

"Got it, and good luck."

"Thanks, I'll need it," she told him as she quickly put on her shoes and made her way out the apartment.

--

_Luigi's_

_8pm_

"Hello, I have a reservation under the name Evans for two," Lily told the maitre d' once she entered the restaurant.

"Ah, yes," the man told her as he looked into his book, "I'm afraid that your companion has yet to arrive, but Brian will lead you to your table," the maitre d' told her as he redirected her attention to a man on his right.

"Thank you," she told Brian as he led her to her table and placed to menus before the seats.

"Would you like a drink while you wait?"

"Yes, can I have a scotch neat please?"

"Of course, I'll go prepare it for you."

"Hey Lily, sorry I'm late," James told her as he took his seat across from her.

"No problem, I just got here anyway."

"What do you say about ordering our food and then we can discuss Harry."

"Sounds like a plan," she told him with a smile.

--

_Once the food arrived…_

"I didn't want to hurt you, I really loved you, I was an idiot Lils. You deserved better," James blurted out in a futile attempt to explain his prior intercessions.

"You're right I did," she replied stonily.

"I know that I've told you all of this before, but I need you to hear the rest."

"What is it James?" asked an exasperated Lily.

It suddenly felt so real, the reality of the fact that the coin had landed on tails was suddenly coming to him, overwhelming him. He had never thought that they weren't meant to be, he had always thought that even if he had royally screwed up they were meant for one another, whether or not they wanted to admit it. Maybe it was fate, maybe it was just a coincidence, but in the end it was all that he had to rely on.

"I still love you, and I think that I always will, but like I said you deserve better, so I promise that I won't try anything. I just want to be friends… hopefully good friends."

"Thanks James, it means a lot to me," she smiled meekly.

"I really am sorry and I want to prove it to you."

"Forget it James, it's not important," she told him, waving it off. "Let's just talk about Harry, that's why we're here anyway. We really need to sort out some sort of schedule," Lily told him, not so inconspicuously diverting from the topic at hand.

"Actually, there was something that I wanted to ask about that. I know that it's a little farfetched and you're free to say no, but just hear me out."

"Shoot."

"I want to be a real family; I want you two to move in with me-"

"James-"

"No, listen, just hear me out first."

"Okay."

"I have a house in which I live with Sirius and Remus. You two can have your own rooms and everything, I won't try anything. I just think that this might be better since neither of us will ever have to be away from him. He won't have to alternate between homes every other week."

"I'll think about it, just please give me some time to mull it over."

--

_**author's note**_**: not the logiest chapter ever, but it was more of a filler that I needed to put in **

**anyway,**

**plz review I love reading peoples' comments, it helps me write…**


	11. which to choose?

_**Disclaimer: **_**idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**--**

**The one that he pushed away**

**--**

_**Summary:**_** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his.**

**--**

**Chapter XI: which to choose?**

**--**

_Previously:_

"_I have a house in which I live with Sirius and Remus. You two can have your own rooms and everything I won't try anything. I just think that this might be better since neither of us will ever have to be away from him. He won't have to alternate homes every other week."_

"_I'll think about it, just please give me some time to mull it over."_

--

_Lily's apartment_

_The night of the dinner:_

"Hey, how did it go?" Riley greeted her as she made her way into the apartment.

"He asked me to move in with him."

"What?!"

"He claims that it's for Harry's sake, that it's better that he grows up with both parents being consistently present… or something like that. That's what I got out of it. I was kind of trying to get over the initial shock of the proposition."

"Well, you have to admit that it's a pretty good idea."

"How can it be a good idea?!"

"For Harry's sake, not you. I know it's the last thing you would want to do."

"Well doesn't my sanity ensure Harry's?"

"You're not sane now; if anything you'd be saving Harry by moving in with James."

"Hey!" she screamed as she threw a nearby pillow at him.

"You know you're my favorite Sheila and all, but I bloody hate you when you do that. You know how much time I spend on my hair; was that really necessary."

"You're such a wanker," she told him as she headed towards Harry's room.

--

_Auror's department_

_10am_

Remus walked into Lily's office and threw himself across her couch.

She cocked an eyebrow, "May I ask why you feel the need to lay down on my couch?"

"I heard about James' proposition last night."

"I should've known that the thought of you just wanting to talk about the Jackson case was just naïve and wishful thinking."

"So, what are you going to do?"

"I don't know… I mean, don't you that it would be really awkward?"

"Why would it be?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Touché."

"Plus there's the fact that Harry will wake you guys up if he wakes up in the middle of the night and starts crying, which he has a tendency to do. I swear if he wasn't my son I'd give him a muzzle"

"James' house is huge, the rooms are practically soundproof. Next excuse," Remus nonchalantly told her.

"James and I have too much history."

"He already promised that he wouldn't try anything."

"Doesn't mean that it wouldn't be awkward."

"Why would it be?"

"Imagine trying to explain to Harry why his mom and dad live together, but date other people. Then there's the idea of explaining to my dates why I live with three guys and assuring them of the fact that I'm not sleeping with any of you."

"Okay, so you may have a point there."

"Thank you," she said as she smiled smugly because she had won.

"But have you ever considered what it'll be like when Harry's away from you half the time? How will you handle it?"

"Okay, so I never thought of that."

"That's why James came up with the idea."

"So you may have a point there."

"Thank you."

"No need to sound so smug."

"This is coming from the girl that was acting like this just minutes ago."

"I'm really looking out for your well being."

"Bull shit, my dear."

--

_Marauders' residence_

_5 pm_

"I'll have to wait to move in for another month," Lily told him as she walked onto the field in his backyard.

"Hey, I didn't know that you were coming," he greeted her as he dismounted his broom.

"Remus told me that you would be back here."

"I see. So why do you have to wait another month to move in?"

"My friend is staying with me because he has some business here for a month or so."

"Your friend can stay here, there's more then enough room."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"I don't know, it all just seems so impromptu."

"I want to get to know my son, and I'll do whatever I can to ensure that it happens as soon as possible. I don't want to miss out on anymore of his life than I already have."

"I take it that the bonding evening went well."

"You have no idea."

"He threw up on you."

"I know it's great, isn't it?"

"The only reason that you think its great is because you hope he'll be a future marauder and wreak havoc upon the halls of Hogwarts just like his dad."

"Details Lils, all minor details," he waved her off.

"You're a riot James," she laughed at his immature antics.

"You know you love it."

"Well, then I guess that it's settled."

"When will you move in?"

"When do I need to?"

"Any chance you can this weekend?"

"Fine, I have to go though."

"Okay, bye."

--

_Lily's apartment_

_5:30 pm_

"I'm moving in with James," Lily announced as she walked into the apartment.

"That's a surprise," Riley responded, thoroughly shocked by her decision.

"I'm moving in this Saturday."

"Wait, what about me? You can't leave me in some hotel, you know how freaked out I get about them. I might as well be OCD when it comes to those beds."

"You'll be staying at the house as well."

"Any chance that I'll be sharing a bed with you."

"Depends," she told him coyly.

"Oh really? And on what would that be?"

"If you could handle the glares from Remus, Sirius, and James."

"You make them sound so lethal."

"Riley, you and I never worked out anyway."

"True, but you have to admit that it's great shag."

"Yeah, it really is."

"Shame."

"True."

"Okay, let's go watch the telly. There might be a good movie on to distract me from thoughts about our sex life."

"Lead the way."

--

**_author's note:_ what did you think???**

**s****o what do you think of riley? **


	12. A Visit to the Past

_**Disclaimer: **_**idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**--**

**The one that he pushed away**

**--**

_**Summary:**_** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his.**

**--**

**Chapter XII: a visit to the past**

**--**

_Previously:_

"_I'm moving in with James," Lily announced as she walked into the flat._

"_That's a surprise," Riley responded, thoroughly shocked by her decision._

"_I'm moving in this Saturday."_

"_wait, what about me? You can't leave me in some hotel, you know how freaked out I get about them. I might as well be OCD when it comes to those beds."_

"_you'll be staying at the house as well."_

--

_Next day_

_Hogwarts_

As she walked down the halls she reminisced over the various memories that they held of her time at the school. It seemed as though she could find a memory that was correlated with every spot in the place. As she walked down the halls she realized the importance of the place, the special spot in her heart that it would always hold regardless of the bad memories that it held as well.

"Ms. Evans is that you?" she heard a voice call out to her, breaking her from her reverie of thoughts.

She turned to see none other then McGonagall, "Professor, it's so good to see you again," she told the elderly woman while catching her off guard with a hug.

"It has been a long time, but I am glad to see that you are well. I also believe that there a congratulations is in order, I always knew that you were meant for great things."

"Thank you professor, you have no idea how much it mean to me to hear you say that."

"Well dear, I apologize for having to leave so soon, but I have a class of third years waiting for me, but please do visit again. Maybe you can come to a class of mine, I'm sure that they would enjoy that."

"I'd be honored to."

"Good, then I expect to see you soon," the elderly woman told her before walking away.

--

"Licorice wands."

_Nothing._

"Oh, come on! Why can't you just open?! I've named so many different treats. How can none of them be it?"

"Lily, you may need to return to basics to achieve some tasks," said an elderly voice from behind her. "Don't over analyze the situation. Something so simple and blasé as _chocolate_ works," and with those words the passageway opened, revealing the way to his office.

"Professor, it's been much too long," she told him as she embraced him.

"Albus, dear; it's just Albus. You are no longer my student so there is no need to address me by such formalities."

"The minute there is no longer anything more that I can learn from you I will call you that," she told him as she seated herself before him.

"How is Harry?"

"Rambunctious; you'll be happy to learn that James knows about him."

"It's about time."

"I have a question," she told him, suddenly unsure of herself.

"Ask away."

"Did you recommend me for head auror because you knew that I would have to come back to England and undoubtedly face James again?"

"My dear, I have yet to meet a more insecure person then yourself, especially in regards to your skills. I can assure you of the fact that I honestly believe that you were best suited for the position. The fact that you would have to face James was merely an added bonus."

"I'm moving in with them," she blurted out much less eloquently then she would have desired.

"You are?" he asked, shock and surprise thoroughly etched upon his face.

"He invited me to so that neither of us would ever have to be away from Harry… I mean when I had visualized the visitations I had always assumed that James would come to visit three or four times a week after work. I guess that I forgot that usually the child has to alternate weekly between parents. Then when that was finally pointed out to me I had to take the offer, I can't imagine being away from Harry," Lily rambled, still trying to convince herself that she had made the right decision.

"That would be a logical choice."

"Do you think that I did the right thing?"

"For who, you or Harry?"

"Me."

"I honestly don't know. I guess that it depends upon whether or not you're still in love with him."

"I think that I'm not still in love with him, so much as the connection we had."

"Does he want you back?"

"Yes."

"Then I guess that the only question left to answer is do you want what you two had back?"

"No, I don't want to go through that again. It's just not worth it."

"Are you sure about that Lily?"

"He broke my heart and it still hasn't totally mended. I can't handle that kind of excruciating pain again. I have to be strong for Harry; everything that I do is for him."

"What if James is the only person that can mend it?"

"Impossible."

"Are you sure about that Lily?"

--

_Lily's flat_

_7pm_

After having visited Dumbledore Lily had opted to walk around the grounds some more before making her way back home. However, when she opened the door to her flat she was thoroughly surprised by the sight before her once she made her way to the dining room. The table that had once been there was replaced by a tiny table for two that was dimly lit by candlelight. Rose petals were placed around the table and on it; light music was playing in the background, all in all totally setting the mood for romance.

Then Riley suddenly walked out of the kitchen with a huge a smile plastered cross his face. "Hey, I thought I heard you come in," he greeted her as he took her jacket. "Here take a seat," he told her as he helped her into the chair, proving to be the epitome of chivalry.

All Lily could do was nod dumbly, still getting over the shock of what was happening. "I- I-" she stuttered, trying to string together a comprehensible sentence, but failing miserably. "I thought that we agreed that there was no point in getting into a relationship."

"Yes, but that was before I realized that I'm the unlucky bloke that fell in love with you," he told her in the most blasé and nonchalant manner, sounding as though he was referring to something so simple as a new pair of shoes.

"Wait, what?!" she exclaimed, baffled by the confession.

"Don't worry," he reassured her soothingly, "I know that you don't feel the same way about me. However, that is also the reason why you should prepare yourself for the wooing of your life," he told her with a playful smirk. "I even cooked."

"No way! You never cook. You can't even re-heat food!"

"I know, but I tried really hard, so don't mock it 'till you try it. Plus, it's actually good."

"What is it?"

"Grilled cheese."

"And it's not burnt or still cold?"

"Nope, and I do say so myself it's the best grilled cheese sandwich ever."

"Then lay it on me baby."

"Why of course Madame," he told her as he bowed while faking a posh English accent (which unfortunately, when mixed with his Australian accent, turned out quite bad).

--

"I cannot believe it that was actually the best grilled cheese sandwich that I have ever had."

"Told you so."

"Thank you," she told him as she lent forward to kiss his cheek. Riley however, had different ideas and turned his head just in time to capture her lips. Once he finally let her go all she could do was breath out, "For everything," before making her way to her room.


	13. Moving Day

_**Disclaimer: **_**idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**--**

**The one that he pushed away**

**--**

_**Summary:**_** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his.**

**--**

**Chapter XIII: moving day**

**--**

_Previously:_

"_I cannot believe it that was actually the best grilled cheese sandwich that I have ever had."_

"_Told you so."_

"_Thank you," she told him as she lent forward to kiss his cheek. Riley however had different ideas and turned his head just in time to capture her lips. Once he finally let her go all she could do was breath out, "for everything," before making her way to her room._

--

_Lily's apartment_

_Next day_

"_Moving day"_

"Wakey, wakey," Lily chanted as she jumped up and down on Riley's bed in an attempt to wake him up. "Oh come on Riley, I need you to lift boxes, this is the first time you're actually indispensable to me," she yelled out in an exasperated voice when he refused to wake.

Instead Riley grabbed her and pulled her down so that she was lying next to him, held down by his arm that was sprawled across her body holding her securely in place. "Sleep," was the only word she got out of him, and even that came out as more of a grunt then anything else.

"Come on Riley I need your help. I thought you wanted to woo me, what better opportunity than to display your super-strength with your amazing lifting skills?" she attempted to flirtatiously goad him out of bed.

"You're not worth _that_ much effort."

"Gee, now I feel special."

"Just being truthful love."

"Yeah, well maybe I don't like it."

"Fine, I'm getting up."

"YAY!"

"No screaming please, it'll give me a migraine."

"Well aren't you a charmer."

"I like to think so," he told her as he saucily shook his ass in jest on his way to the bathroom.

--

_Marauder's residence_

"Hey mate," Sirius greeted James while walking into the kitchen yawning, "why are you up so early?"

"Lily's moving in today, we all have to meet up with her in an hour, remember? It's also the reason why you're up this early."

"I was wondering why my alarm went off."

"You're an idiot."

"That's coming from the guy that was gullible enough to believe that the Chinese place ran out of Chinese food," Remus quipped as he walked into the kitchen.

"You'll never let me live that one down will you?"

"Nope, it'll remain a staple in our lives forever, a constant reminder of the extent of your _brilliance_."

"Wanker," James bitterly muttered.

"Actually, I believe that it's you that hasn't had a proper shag in ages, I on the other hand am very well taken care of."

"Since when?" Sirius asked.

"His name's Alex, I met her at the three broomsticks while I was out with a few mates from work."

"He hot?"

"Very, also a werewolf rights activist."

"Seems like you've found yourself the perfect bloke then mate."

"I like him."

"Okay, gossip time is officially over, we have to go to Lily's to help her with her stuff," James interrupted.

"Pushy," Sirius teased him.

--

_Lily's apartment_

_11:30…_

_Knock, knock_

Riley opened the door to reveal three men that he could only assume were Lily's soon-to-be roommates.

"Hi, I'm Riley, Lily's current houseguest," he introduced himself.

"I'm Remus, this is James, and the lazy bum over there that's half asleep is Sirius," he greeted him as they all shook hands.

"Riley, are the guys here yet?!" they heard Lily yell through the apartment.

"And our slave driver calls us," he joked as he showed them to the room from where Lily was calling.

--

The entire day was spent moving boxes and organizing things in the house, by the end of the day the group only had energy to lounge around the living room.

"I hate moving, I hate you James," Lily groaned from her position on the couch,

"Why?"

"Because you made me move, which led to this whole thing."

"Oh please, you love it here."

"You sure about that?" she challenged him.

"You're so picky, too high maintenance."

"I'm glad that the two of you are acting like such _mature _adults," Remus commented sarcastically.

"Piss off," James told him good-humouredly.

"So who's the guy Lils?" Sirius asked her, voicing the question that was on everyone's mind.

"Riley?"

"Yeah, what's the story with him?"

"Nothing much, we used to date, sometimes hook-up. He's a great friend above all else."

"Wait… is that Mr. Eight Months?"

"Yep, the one and only."

"What does he mean by Mr. Eight Months?" James asked.

"We dated for that long."

"I thought that you said that you two just hooked up sometimes," commented a confused Remus.

"We did, after the break up."

"You, my dear, have an awfully confusing love life."

"So what's going on with you two now?" Sirius asked.

"Nothing much, I don't know, we might become more. Can we stop talking about this?"

"Sure," James told her.

After a few minutes of silence Lily finally got up, "Listen I have to go do something, I'll see you guys in the morning. Good night."

"Sweet dreams," they all told her.

--

_Lily's room_

She took out her two-way mirror in hopes of talking to Finn, "Finny-boy," she called out.

"How is my favorite girl? I've missed you so much, how's it going in that god awful country?" Finn greeted her; by his speed in getting to the mirror she could tell that he had probably been watching TV.

"I moved into a house filled with my ex-boyfriend and his two best friends."

"How does drama always seem to follow you?"

"First Riley and now you Finn? Am I really that much trouble?"

"Oh come on love, I know that it's not intentional; drama just always seems to make its way into your life."

"It makes me seem like such a prima-Donna."

"You're not. Why did you move in with them anyway?"

"Well, you know how I told James about Harry; he then offered to have us live with him so neither of us would ever have to be away from him due to shared custody. If not, we both be away from him for an entire week."

"I guess that that makes sense," Finn told her in an unconvinced voice.

"I'm screwing myself over, aren't I?" she groaned.

"I don't know, it's you. You're totally unpredictable; a bloody spitfire. I fear for the bloke who marries you."

"Gee thanks," she told him in a dead pan voice. "You know everyone keeps asking me if I'm still in love with him."

"Well are you?"

"I don't know," she groaned in frustration.

"Lily, do you still love him? Don't give me all that bull shit; I won't deal with your self-pity if you're not at least being totally honest with me and yourself," he told her in a surprisingly stern voice that expressed his aggravation.

"I thought- I thought that I was _only_ still in love with that connection we used to have, how good we were together. Yet now- now I'm not sure about anything anymore and it scares me."

"Do you love him Lily?"

"I- I don't want to."

"But do you?"

"I don't know."

"Damn it Lily," he yelled with an uncharacteristic frustration in his voice. "You do know, I know that you do, _just admit it_."

"I might," she meekly admitted, tear pouring down her face.

"How long?"

"I don't know if I ever stopped."

"Then there's one question left."

"What?"

"Can you still be with him regardless of everything that you have been through?"

"What happened to my wacky Finn that was just a drunken guy that didn't have the emotional capacity to be serious?" she asked, desperately trying to escape answering the question, as well as the conversation in general.

"He found the love of his life in the form of his best friend, one that he needs to support. Lils, you're my BFF, mates for life, now answer the question."

**Beta's Note: Alright, now that is just a cruel cliffie! Great chapter though! **


	14. The Past can Never be Left Behind

_**Disclaimer: **_**idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**--**

**The one that he pushed away**

**--**

_**Summary:**_** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his.**

**--**

**Chapter XIV: the past can never be left behind**

**--**

_Previously:_

"_Do you love him Lily?"_

…

"_I don't know."_

"_Damn it Lily," he yelled with an uncharacteristic frustration in his voice. "You do know and I know that you do, just admit it."_

"_I might," she meekly admitted, tear pouring down her face._

…

"_Can you still be with him regardless of everything that you have been through?"_

--

_Sunday morning_

_Marauder's residence_

"Morning," mumbled an extremely groggy Lily as she threw herself onto the stool on the kitchen's island.

"Well, it's good to see that some things never change; you'll always be the worst morning person known to man," Sirius quipped.

"Shut up. How can you be so perky?" Lily groaned.

"Being annoying just comes naturally for him," Remus informed her as he placed a mug of coffee before her.

"Oh bless you, you are officially a god."

"Why Moony, how come you never told us that you're a god?" James asked as he walked into the kitchen.

"Because I wasn't aware of it."

"This coffee is amazing."

"At least she's low maintenance," Sirius jibed. However, that joke led to Lily throwing a loaf of bread at his head.

"Hey, hey, hey! Watch the hair!" he told her as he ran to the nearest mirror in the hallway.

"Oh Lily, Riley told me to tell you that he had an early meeting, but to call him if you're interested in lunch," Remus informed her

"So how long is he staying?" Sirius asked as he re-entered the room.

"About three weeks or so."

"Where do you know him from?"

"I thought that we finished with the interrogation last night."

"Come on just tell us," Remus attempted to goad her.

"That's it, I'm leaving," Lily announced as she got off her stool and left the room. She couldn't handle it; it just felt so weird to talk to Remus and Sirius about those things when they hadn't done so in so long, much less so in front of James.

--

"Couldn't you guys just drop it? She made it perfectly clear last night that she didn't want to talk about it," James reprimanded them as soon as Lily was out of ear shot.

"Oh come on, you're actually telling us that you're not interested in knowing?"

"Yes, I don't need to know."

"Remus, be a good mate and back me up here."

"You're jealous aren't you Prongs?"

"No, I'm not."

"So you'd be okay with it if Lily and Riley started dating again?"

"What! Wait- yes- no- I guess that I'd have to be," James sputtered.

"You used to tell me how much you _loved_ her, _wanted _her, _and needed_ her. So tell me: why aren't you doing anything about it? What happened that changed your mind James?" Sirius asked him.

"I- I just decided that it's better that I don't try anything."

"Why did you change your mind?"

"Because it's better that way."

"For who?" Remus asked.

"For all of us, it's just better that way. Drop it. I'm not in the mood to talk about it. Nothing's going to happen so just stop with all of the inquisitions; they get old fast."

--

_Lily's room_

"Riley, Riley," she yelled into the two-way mirror, hoping that he would be around to answer it.

"Yes, love?" Riley suddenly appeared on the other side.

"What do you say to lunch at one?"

"Sure, I'll be done with my meeting by then."

"What's it about?"

"I'm hoping to buy this muggle news paper."

"Okay, then I'll leave you to it. How does Thai sound?"

"Great, how about the muggle place by the record shop you took me to a few days ago?"

"You know for a pureblood, you sure are well-acquainted with all things muggle."

"Only for my favorite Sheila."

"Aw, you're making me blush," she laughed. "Okay, I'll leave you to our work, see you at one."

Once they both "hung up" she threw herself across the bed.

_Knock, knock_

She looked up to see Remus standing at the open doorway, "Come on in," she told him. "You know you don't have to knock when the door is already open."

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry," he awkwardly apologized to her.

"For what?"

"For the Spanish inquisition earlier."

"It's okay; I should be the one asking for forgiveness anyway."

"No, you shouldn't."

"Yeah, I really should. No matter how much I may be over what happened I still find it hard to totally go back to how we were before."

"I was pushing it too hard anyway."

"Will we ever find a way back?"

"I don't know, but we'll try, that one's for certain."

There was an awkward silence; both were at a loss as to what to say given the situation.

"I hate this, not having anything to say," Remus blurted out. "It's so… not us. We always have something to talk about, even if it's the stupidest thing ever, we were always able to have hour long conversations about it."

"No need to get so cross Remmy," she teased him in a desperate attempt to alleviate the tension. "If you want to talk about something just pick a topic."

"Fine, tell me about Riley."

"I told-"

"I didn't mean about your romantic relationship, but how you know him."

"When I was in auror training I met this bloke named Finn, and he introduced me to Riley in my… second month in Sydney? Yeah, it was the second, I hadn't started showing yet so it definitely was."

"So what's the story with Finn and Riley?"

"Well Finn is like my drunken best mate that is like a brother to me, I can't imagine life without him."

Remus winced at her choice of words, he remembered a time when she would refer to him that way. He hadn't realized how much it hurt to not have her in his life for the past two years until that very moment. He had always missed her, but it wasn't until he heard about the guy that had replaced him in her life that the full impact of a Lily-less life actually hit him.

"And then there's Riley, he's a newspaper tycoon. Honestly, I thought that I would hate him when I met him, even his job sounded unbearably pompous. I was surprised when I met him and saw what a really down to earth guy he was… without Riley and Finn I don't know if I would have made it through those two years. I didn't receive the privileges of an all-expense paid nanny until my last seven months there. So for those first nine months of Harry's life I became extremely dependant upon Riley and Finn. They were always there for me, not only supporting me with the baby, but emotionally as well. They were always there for me, even when I felt like I couldn't go on, they would be the ones to help me wallow, sit by my side as they listened to me pour my heart out. They put up with me at my worst, pushing me to persevere so Harry could have a good life."

"You changed so much Lily."

"You tend to do that when you have a kid," she smiled as she reminisced over the good times she had in Australia.

"I know, but I didn't think that I was possible for you to become a better person than you already were, but you did… and al I can say is that I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for having missed it, for not having been there, to be a part of it. I'm so thankful that you had Riley and Finn by your side to help you through it all."

"No self-pity Remus, I can't stand it."

"I know… I just want you to know that I'll do whatever I can, I'll find a way to deserve you Lily."

"You already do Remus. You still mean the world to me, it's just hard talking to you because it's impossible to go back to where we were, we have to build a new relationship."

"And Sirius and I are just pushing for the past."

"Yeah…"

"I'll try- we'll try, to make it easier on you. We never meant to make it difficult; we just thought that by recreating an atmosphere like before it might be easier."

"I know, and I really do appreciate it."

"He missed you the most you know, Sirius did. I've never seen him cry until he saw that you had left… you were his world Lily."

"Remus, please, don't," she cried.

"I know that it's not easy, I just need you to know, that he understood, he understood why you left, and he supported it. It hurt him to know that you left partially because of him, it broke him, he was a shadow for months… but he always supported you. He always wished that you'd find happiness," Remus got up from her bed to leave.

In between her sobs he heard her say "Thank you," as he was leaving.

**Beta: Aw, I still didn't get the response that I was hoping for! (**


	15. “all in”

_**Disclaimer: **_**idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**--**

**The one that he pushed away**

**--**

_**Summary:**_** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his.**

**--**

**Chapter XV: "all in"**

**--**

_Previously:_

"_Do you love him Lily?"_

…

"_I don't know."_

"_Damn it Lily," he yelled with an uncharacteristic frustration in his voice. "You do know, I know that you do, just admit it."_

"_I might," she meekly admitted, tear pouring down her face._

…

"_Can you still be with him regardless of everything that you have been through?"_

--

_Sunday_

_Lunch with Riley_

_1pm_

"Hey," she greeted Riley as she walked towards the table

"Well aren't you looking sexy today," he winked at her as he got up and helped her into her seat.

"So chivalry isn't dead, it's just horny," she teased him.

"Hey! I'm trying to woo you here and you're kind of ruining the mood, darling."

"You know, reprimanding a girl doesn't make you come off as very desirable."

"So picky."

"So how'd the business meeting go?"

"We bought it; the newspaper was a total steal."

"Congratulations. When's the waiter coming?"

"I already ordered for us."

"You did?"

"Well considering that you've been getting the same thing every time we go to a Thai restaurant for the past two years, it wasn't that hard to make a choice. Plus, I know how impatient you are when it comes to waiting for food."

"Thanks."

"So you won't believe what I saw today."

"What?"

"Your nanny."

"Amber?"

"Yeah, perky girl; I saw her with her boyfriend."

At that exact moment the waiter arrived with their food.

"Thank you," Lily and Riley simultaneously told him as he placed the food in front of them.

"Anyway, let me guess her boyfriend was a preppy boy decked out in Lacoste."

"Nope."

"No?"

"Rocker, tattoos all over, very reminiscent of Travis Barker from Blink 182, except for the fact that he wasn't a stick, but pretty buff… had a green Mohawk though."

"No way!"

"That was my reaction too, but it's true"

"Wow! Who would have guessed?"

"My only question is how does he put up with all of the pink?"

"I don't know. She was telling me about the color scheme for her new apartment and it's white and various shades of pink. That's just not the type of place I could imagine her boyfriend in."

"Well I guess to each their own."

"She is pretty."

"True," after that there was an awkward silence during which they both focused on their food.

"How is it that neither of us have anything else to talk about?"

"Because we didn't have work today- well I did, but my job is boring."

"Oh please, you love it."

"I never said that I didn't like it, I just happen to be a very boring person."

"You know you're one of my best friends."

"Well that's not random at all."

She smiled, "I was thinking about it last night. Without you and Finn I don't know how I would have made it throughout these past two years. You guys were always there for me, helping me, staying by my side whenever I needed to wallow. I just… I wanted to thank you."

"It's not a big deal, that's the kind of thing you do for a person you love."

"I love you too, you know that right?"

"It's always nice to have a little reassurance."

"It's also why I wanted to tell you…"

--

"_I don't know if I can still be with him," she cried into the mirror. "All I know is that I can't handle the heartache again."_

_Finn sighed, "What are you going to do?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Well there are two choices: a. get back together with James or b. finally allow someone to get close to you. So which is it?"_

"_But I __**do**__ let people get close to me."_

"_No you don't, not really. You let them in just enough do that they can't break your heart because at that distance they can never truly have it anyway."_

"_I want to."_

"_I know, it's hard, I won't deny it, but you've got to get past this Lily. You've got to move on."_

--

"Which is also why I wanted to tell you that I'm ready."

"You're ready?" he asked her, totally confused as to what she was referring to.

"I'm ready to go all in, really give it a shot," she told him as he placed her hand on top of his.

"Really?"

"Really," she reassured him.

"I think that this is officially my favorite restaurant," he told her in a dazed state of happiness.

"I think I like it too."

"So you're not going to change your mind?"

"No-" but before she could finish her thought he had shot up from his seat, pulled her up, and kissed her.

"I love you Lily," he huskily whispered into her ear. "I know that you're not in love with me, but you should know that I plan on changing that."

--

_Marauder's residence_

"You're teaching him to love quidditch at this age? Isn't that a bit too soon?" Remus asked James as he walked into the living room only to see a full-blown miniature quidditch match, taking place before Harry, who was sitting on James' lap.

"I don't see why not."

"Well don't you think that he's a bit young? What if he doesn't even like quidditch that much?"

A squeal of delight was emitted from Harry.

"I'll take that as reassurance that such a travesty has not occurred," James smirked.

"Wow, this is so cool!" Lily exclaimed as she entered the room.

"You too?" Remus whined.

"Me, what?"

"You're encouraging this; it's not good for Harry's development to watch such a volatile sport. I mean look at Croatia's number 13; he just pushed France's number 2 off his broom. Aren't mothers supposed to be all responsible and keep their children from seeing violence?"

"Are you saying that I'm a bad mother?"

"What? No- I only meant-"

"Relax Remus, I was only joking."

"Well you can't blame him for thinking that you were serious, everyone knows about that temper of yours. It never took much for you to become cross with someone," James quipped while bouncing little Harry on his knee.

"I would hit you if it weren't for the fact that you're holding Harry right now," she told him as she made her way to him and took her son from him to greet him.

She kissed Harry as soon as she got him into her arms, right before slapping James upside the head.

"Hey! What was that for?"

"You're not holding Harry anymore," she told him simply.

"Only a testament to your fiery, red-headed temper," Remus teased her.

"You're both so mean to me!"

"This is coming from the girl that just hit me."

"Oh shush you," she told him as she made her way towards the stairs.

"Look at that, she's only been living here for two days James and she's already bossing us around," Remus told him loud enough so he'd be sure that Lily could hear his comment.

"She's horrid," James smiled.

**--**

_**author's note:** _**so i hope u liked it and please review (they help me a lot, good comments or critiques, i always want to improve as a writer, i take it all to heart)**


	16. “sway”

**And since this chapter has a song u should be aware that I am musically inept… so yeah not mine (it's "sway" by the Perishers, a Swedish indie band, from the CD "let there be morning")**

**--**

**The one that he pushed away**

**--**

_**Summary:**_** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his.**

**--**

**Chapter XVI: "sway"**

**--**

_Previously:_

"_Which is also why I wanted to tell you that I'm ready."_

"_You're ready?" he asked her, totally confused as to what she was referring to._

"_I'm ready to go all in, really give it a shot," she told him as he placed her hand on top of his._

…

"_I love you Lily," he huskily whispered into her ear. "I know that you're not in love with me, but you should know that I plan on changing that."_

_--_

_Marauders' residence_

_2 a.m._

She heard a cry that was emitted from the room next to hers and automatically knew that it was Harry. "Ugh, don't want to get up," she muttered, beginning the internal battle over whether or not Harry's need to go to the potty was really worth the effort.

After a few minutes she finally relented and her son for his cries had failed to cease "not like I can sleep with that noise anyway," she muttered ad she made her way out of the room.

Once she got to the room (Harry's) she was shocked by the sight before her. James, Sirius, Remus, and Riley were all crowded around Harry trying to calm him down by handing him toys that he would only throw across the room before he would continue to cry.

"That won't work," she them him from behind, thoroughly startling them in turn for they had not known that she was there.

"Hey, you didn't have to get up, we were taking care of it," Riley assured her.

"Yeah, just not the right way," she teased them as she took Harry into her arms. "At this age, the only reason that Harry would ever wake up in the middle of the night would be because he has to go to the potty."

"I honestly don't care, I just want to go to bed," Sirius said before leaving the room with Remus in tow.

"Why didn't we think of that? I mean I've known the tyke for his entire life," Riley asked.

"Because this is your first time dealing with things, from now on you'll know. Plus, you always slept through these things whenever you were at my place. Looks like you've finally lost your immunity," she teased him.

"Don't be jealous love," he flirted.

"Okay, this is uncomfortable, so I'll just take Harry and change his diaper Lils," James told the couple as he took his son from her.

--

_Monday morning_

_Breakfast_

"Hey," James greeted a grumpy Lily who was banging her head against the kitchen cabinets as she waited for her coffee to prepare.

"I hate mornings," she muttered.

"I know you do, but at least the coffee's ready now," he told her as the machine signaled that it was finished brewing.

"OH THANK GOD!" she exclaimed as James poured hers into a mug for her.

"I wonder how you would manage for a day without coffee."

"Don't even utter such blasphemous thoughts," they sat in a comfortable silence, both drinking their coffee and reading their newspapers. "You know, you really are a good father James," she shyly told him.

"If I'm such a good father I would have thought about the fact that he might need to poop."

**I talk to you as to a friend  
I hope that's what you've come to be  
it feels as though we've made amends  
like we found a way eventually**

"Just because you don't know something like that doesn't make you a bad father. Those kinds of things are easy to learn. James, whenever you enter the room his face light up, he knows that you're his father and he adores you. _Those_ kinds of things make you a father, not knowing when he needs to poop or eat."

"Teach me the small things."

"When you give him a toy and he throws it, he expects you to go after it. He loves to watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, something about Gene Wilder in a purple top hat just seems to turn him on."

"Hey, I happen to love that movie too!"

"I know, so do I. In fact, I think I had to drag you to the movie theatre to watch it, you kept on complaining about how you already knew that you wouldn't like it."

"I don't know what you're talking about," he smirked.

"Sure you-"

"NO WAY!" they suddenly heard Riley exclaim as he descended the staircase. "Germany is definitely going to be your main competitor for the cup. Do you have any clue how disciplined they are? France doesn't stand a chance against them."

"What?! France is doing amazing this year," Sirius retaliated as they both reached the end of the stairs and were in the kitchen.

"Hello love," Riley greeted her with a chaste kiss.

"Wow! When did _this_ happen?" Sirius asked.

Lily blushed, "yesterday actually."

"Well I'd love to talk about our blossoming relationship, but I have a meeting with the London Times in forty minutes," Riley told them as he left the room.

"Good morning," Remus greeted them as he blindly threw himself onto the nearest stool.

"Guess what?"

"Must you be so loud?" Remus groaned.

"Well if you're going to be so rude I don think I'm going to tell you."

"What is Sirius talking about?"

"Riley and I are dating."

"I thought you said that you two broke up."

"They got back together," James told him.

"Oh shit! I'm running late, come on Remus we have a meeting with Moody in twenty minutes," she told him as she grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the room.

"So, how are you?" Sirius asked James.

"Fine."

"Care to elaborate?"

"Not really."

"Come on, you must have something to say about it."

"It's good that she has someone."

"James, what happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"You used to talk about how Lily was the love of your life, how life without her was incomplete, what happened James? What changed?"

**It was you who picked the pieces up  
when I was a broken soul  
and then glued me back together  
Returned to me what others stole**

"Nothing did."

"Oh so you just woke up one morning and realized that Lily's not the love of your life anymore?"

"No… I still think she is."

"Then why aren't you sad or anything about her and Riley?"

"Because I realized that just because she may be mine, doesn't mean that I'm hers."

"That's total bullshit James."

"No it isn't! She deserves better, it may hurt to realize it, but it's the truth. I won't screw up her life again… I can't."

**I don't wanna hurt you  
I don't wanna make you sway  
Like I know I've done before  
I will not do it anymore  
I've always been a dreamer  
I've had my head among the clouds  
Now that I'm coming down  
Won't you be my solid ground?**

"So you're just going to let Riley have her?"

"I thought you said that you like him."

"I do, he is one of the coolest guys that I have ever met, but I also love you and Lily, _together_."

"Look at them Sirius. Riley adores Lily, he would never take her for granted, and he's perfect."

"Yeah he is."

"Thank you."

"But not for her. Yes, she deserves to be treated with respect, never taken for granted… but… I don't know how to explain it James… with you there was something so great about the relationship. You two were so in sync, so perfect for one another without being a sickeningly perfect couple. I was jealous."

"Sirius, she's perfect for me, but I'm not for her. I don't deserve her… sometimes; you just have to know when to fold. I love her and I'm doing this _for _her I screwed up, I lost my chance, I'm trying to do the right thing now, the thing I didn't do before: make her happy."

**I look at you and see a friend  
I hope that's what you wanna be  
Are we back now where it all began  
Have you finally forgiven me?**

"You're delusional James."

"I'll still have her in my life and that's what counts in the end, I won't lose her again."

**You gathered my dreams in  
When they all blew away  
and then tricked them back into me  
you saved me I was almost dead**

"You two should be together James!"

"Sirius, I'm done talking about this, it's for the best so just drop it," James told him as he made his way towards the stairs.

Once James reached them he stopped dead in his tracks from the question that Sirius asked him…

--

**_Author's note:_ so I do have to say that as thankful as I am for my reviewers, it is kind of dissapointing to see that i get about 3-5 per chapter for the last few when I have well over that amount viewing... even if you don't like it, please feel free to share your concerns, I'd really liek to aaccomidate them, becuase I do want to improve.**


	17. happy?

_**Disclaimer: **_**idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**--**

**The one that he pushed away**

**--**

_**Summary:**_** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his.**

**--**

**Chapter XVII: happy?**

**--**

_Previously:_

"_You two should be together James!"_

"_Sirius, I'm done talking about this, it's for the best so just drop it," James told him as he made his way towards the stairs._

_Once James reached them he stopped dead in his tracks from the question that Sirius asked him…_

--

"How long can you pretend to be happy watching her and Riley together Prongs?"

James stood there, frozen, lost, unable to decide what to say, "It doesn't matter how I feel; I don't matter. I hurt her so much, you saw it, this is my chance it up to her, to finally be worthy of her."

"Well then your logic sucks."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah," Sirius defiantly told him, "because she will never be as happy with Riley as she was with you. So in the end, she doesn't even get what she 'deserves'."

"You're wrong Sirius, just let me be. Let me try," he told him with a hint of desperation in his tone before walking away.

"You won't last James, no matter how good your intentions may be," Sirius called after him.

--

_Lily's office_

_10am_

Lily and Remus sat on the floor observing the blue prints for the house in which France's minister of magic was to stay in while visiting Britain, trying to come up with a security plan.

"Ugh, I can't do this, it's like everything we try has a loophole or poorly reacts with another spell, I'm so sick of this!" Lily suddenly exclaimed.

"Calm down, we'll just take a break," Remus said in an attempt to soother her nerves.

"I'm sorry, I'm just so sick of it all."

"Let's just sit and talk, enjoy ourselves."

"Did you sleep last night?"

"Not after Harry was put to bed."

"Well now we know why you're so irritable."

They sat in silence for a while, Lily just resting on the couch and Remus staring at the artwork on her walls.

"So you and Riley?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Is it serious?"

"I don't know."

"Will it be?"

"Maybe."

"Must you be so monosyllabic?"

"When it annoys you this much? Of course," Lily teased him.

"What made you want to give it another go Lils?"

"If I tell you can I be sure that you won't tell anyone?"

"I promise."

"I need to finally stop being of fully giving my heart."

"And Riley won't break it?"

"Never."

"So it's safe?"

"Remus," sighed an exasperated Lily.

"What Lily? I'm being honest with you here. Yes the truth hurts, but I'd like to believe that you prefer it to me lying to you."

"Why can't you just drop it?"

"Just answer one question and I will."

"Fine."

"Do you honestly believe that Riley is the love of your life?"

"No."

"That's my point."

"But it doesn't mean that I can't be happy with him, that he can't become it."

"Stop deluding yourself Lily."

"Stop trying to force James onto me."

Remus sighed, finally seeing her point, "fine, you're right, it's not fair to you. Just tell me one more thing and I'll let you return to deluding yourself-"

"Hey!" Lily protested.

"Lily, what will you do if James finds someone to replace you with?"

"Nothing."

"Lily-"

"Remus, why can't you just let me be happy?" she snapped.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you or anything, I just thought that I was helping."

"I know, but it still hurts."

"Okay, I'll stop."

"Thank you."

--

For three weeks it went on like that, Lily dated Riley and everyone (Sirius and Remus) kept their mouths shut about their opinions regarding the relationships. Lily and Riley got closer while Sirius and Remus' ended their respective relationships, and James left the country to tour Europe with his team.

--

_Marauders' residence_

_Saturday, 11 a.m._

"You know Riley's pretty cool," Sirius commented as he and Remus were eating lunch.

"I can't believe it; you're fraternizing with the enemy!"

"Riley's not the enemy, he's far from it and you know it."

"Still he stole-"

"He didn't steal Lily, he didn't even have to. James didn't want to try anything to get her back, it was fair game."

"So what? Now you support the Lily and Riley relationship? Are you even going to give them a nickname, oh I know, how about Lily?" Remus sarcastically quipped with a bitter tone.

"If James is too scared, then yes. Riley is a really good guy."

"Lily and James should be together."

"Sometimes you just have to let nature take its course."

"So you're just going to let Lily ride off into the sunset with Riley like in those bloody Yank pictures?"

"Sometimes you just have to stop worrying."

"Well the way I see it James is coming back tomorrow and he is still planning on leaving Lily alone and she is falling in love with Riley."

"So maybe you're right, but that can't last. It's _Lily and James_ they are like an institution, they belong together."

"Doesn't mean that they will end up together."

"So maybe, _maybe_ we can give it a little push Remmy."

"Naturally, at the very least we owe them that much."


	18. prove it

_**Disclaimer: **_**idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**--**

**The one that he pushed away**

**--**

_**Summary:**_** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his.**

**--**

**Chapter XVIII: prove it**

**--**

_Previously:_

"_So maybe you're right, but that can't last. It's _Lily and James_ they are like an institution, they belong together."_

"_Doesn't mean that they will end up together."_

"_So maybe, _maybe_ we can give it a little push Remmy."_

"_Naturally, at the very least we owe them that much."_

_--_

_Marauders' residence_

_Saturday, 4 p.m._

"Hey," Lily hugged him as soon as he walked through the door. "We've missed you so much; it's just not the same here without you."

"I've missed you too love."

"And while you were gone Harry made so much progress on speaking."

"Now I feel like I've got a lot of catching up to do."

"Well there's a meal in the kitchen with your name on it. Why don't you have some lunch while I fill you in on everything that's happened while you've been gone."

"Sounds lovely, thanks Lils."

"It's no problem James, really."

--

_Kitchen_

"So in his exploration of the English language Harry has also become exposed to a rather wide variety of curses, ones which he enjoys to use on a regular basis."

"No!" James roared with laughter.

"I think it was Sirius that corrupted him."

"Nope, definitely Remus."

"No way, he's the good one."

"He has a dirtier mouth than a sailor, actually than Sirius and me combined. He comes up with new ones on a regular basis, very colorful vocabulary there; he's rather talented at it. I'm surprised you haven't noticed it."

They both just sat there in comfortable silence, both eating and enjoying the moment.

"Prongs!" they suddenly heard a voice bellow through the house. Remus and Sirius walked into the kitchen and grabbed James, hugging him.

"I always knew that there must be a reason why quidditch players seem to insist upon slapping one another's butts before or after a game," Lily teased.

"Now Lily, think about it, if I'm gay, who's the one that slept with a gay guy?"

"Half of England?"

"Including you," he winked at her.

"I plead temporary insanity."

"You know that you liked it, don't try denying it."

"Keep on deluding yourself Jamie-Poo," Lily teased him as she exited the room.

--

"Hey love, how are you?" se asked the little boy as she picked him up.

"Mama."

"He's adorable," a voice from behind commented.

"And thanks to you he now also has a very colorful vocabulary to go with it."

"If you think about it, I was actually helping him."

"How?" she asked Remus doubtfully.

"He'll be able to defend himself rather then acting like a bloody pussy that can't stand up for himself and show some pride."

"Language Remus," she admonished him, teasing him.

"It's true and you know it."

"You're a riot Remus."

"Why thank you."

They stood in silence as Lily placed Harry in his play pen, playing with him and his toy quidditch set.

"So that looked like a really nice moment that Sirius and I interrupted."

"Subtlety never was your strong suit Remus."

"I was just commenting." He paused before continuing his thought, "almost seemed like old times you know."

"Remus," she told him in a reproachful voice.

"I know, I know, 'stay out of it,' but do you really think that you're over him?"

"No, but I'm getting there."

"Prove it."

"How?"

"Go out with us, it'll be a triple date."

"What about Sirius?"

"He's my date," Remus blushed.

"No way!"

"We figured that we'd give it a go since we're both single and get along so well."

"Okay then, tomorrow night all of us will go out, but I'm telling you, it's pointless, nothing will happen."

"And somehow I doubt it," he told her as he left the room.

--

"So you're really over Lily?" Sirius asked James as they sat in the kitchen.

"I don't think that I'll ever be, but I'm close."

"Bull shit."

"It's true."

"And once again, bull shit."

"But I'm not lying."

"Prove it then."

"How?"

"We'll all go out on a triple date."

"What's that going to prove?"

"If you don't get jealous when you see Lily and Riley acting all lovey-dovey I'll believe you."

"Fine, I'll do it."

--

_Sunday night_

_8 p.m._

"You look amazing," Riley complimented her when she opened the door to her room.

"Why thank you kind sir."

"These are for you," he told her as he pulled out two dozen white tulips in a vase out from behind his back.

"My favorite."

"I know, I figured that since I live down the hall from you I'd save you the trouble of putting them in a vase by bringing them to you so you can just put it on a table or something and not have to fuss over them-"

"Riley, you're rambling."

He blushed in response, muttering, "you know how I am around beautiful girls Lils," before kissing her passionately.

"They're beautiful," she told him when they separated.

"It's not that big of a deal, customary anyway."

"You really know how to make a girl feel special," she sarcastically quipped.

--

_classico e di base _

"I love Italian," Lily exclaimed as she saw the restaurant that they were headed to.

"I know, I asked Sirius, James, and Remus if it was okay with them if I chose the restaurant since I know your fetish for the food."

"You're a good guy Riley."

He looked at her oddly once she made that statement, trying to make of what she had meant with that statement, "I'll take that as a compliment… I think."

"You should, it was one."

"Well then, thank you."

"how may I help you?" the maitre d' asked them once they reached him.

"Yes, reservations under the name Black."

"Your party is already here, Roberto will take you to your table."

Once they arrived at the table Lily saw a stunning brunette sitting beside James, but her thoughts on the woman were soon interrupted by Sirius exclaiming, "It's about time you two got here!"

"We're only five minutes late."

"You're still tardy Lils, you know, come to think of it, I've never seen you arrive on time to anything. You were even ten minutes late four our OWLs and twenty for our NEWTs."

"What can I say, it's a gift." She redirected her attention to the brunette, "hi, I'm Lily, and this is Riley," she greeted the girl, while pointing to Riley when introducing them.

"I'm Jacqueline, nice to meet you," the girl kindly greeted her.

Lily settled into her seat and quickly leaned towards Remus, whispering, "prognosis?" referring to an old game that they had played before Lily and James had ever dated and they would judge his and Sirius' girlfriends whenever met them (since Lily had been close friends with Remus and Sirius prior to that).

"Slightly dull-witted, but pretty nice," Remus whispered to her.

"So Jacqueline what do you do?" Riley asked her while slightly nudging Lily, having caught on to what she was talking about with Remus.

"I'm a model; I'm actually on this week's cover of _Witch Weekly_."

"Congratulations."

"What about you guys, what do you all do?"

"I'm a beater on the same team as James'," Sirius told her.

"Oh yeah, I see you in all of the magazines, I think I just had an inner blonde moment," she laughed in a good maturely manner.

"You realize that Lily and Remus are always in the news papers as well right?" Sirius asked her incredulously, in turn receiving a warning glare from James for the rudeness behind his comment.

"You are?" she redirected her attention to the other two, "for what?"

"We are co-heads for the auror department," Lily shyly told her.

"That's cool too," the girl told them, as though she were reassuring them of the fact that their job was in fact interesting. "What about you, what do you do Riley?"

"I'm in marketing."

"Really what part of it?"

"Oh, this and that," he modestly told her. Lily had to squeeze his hand under the table, knowing that the third degree as far as his career was concerned was quickly waning on him.

"Explain the this, explain the that."

"Buying and remodeling mainly."

The word "buying" had quickly caught her attention (sadly, as it did with most people, a fact that thoroughly annoyed Riley as far as his profession as concerned). "What things?"

"Media related things."

"Like magazines?"

"No, I primarily focus on news papers."

"You've got yourself a great catch Lily, isn't it fantastic that we've been so lucky in life?" the girl giggled as she squeezed James' arm.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Lily muttered.

"It'll be okay, this'll be done with soon and if not, I'll get us out of here," Riley told her as he reassuringly squeezed her shoulder.

"Thank you, you're officially my god," she whispered to him, giving him a peck on the cheek.

"I serve to please."

Suddenly their private moment was interrupted by Jacqueline, "they are so adorable together, don't you think so James?"

"What- oh, yeah, I guess."

"Riley, you never told me where you're from; your accent is so sexy."

"He's Australian," Remus told her before quickly downing his drink.

"What a coincidence, I was there last week working on a shoot for a swim catalogue. I loved it there, people were so nice to me," she gushed.

"She's as vain as James," Remus whispered to her.

"You may want to take it easy with the drinks Remus," she quietly reprimanded him as she saw him refilling his glass.

"I'm bored; it's what I do when I'm bored. What are Riley and Sirius talking about anyway?"

"Quidditch."

"Again?"

"It's your boyfriend."

"Yours too."

"I know," she responded with a smile.

"You really like him, don't you?" Remus asked, genuinely surprised by her reaction.

"I may not be in love with him, but he means the world to me. Life without him just wouldn't be the same, it wouldn't be complete."

"He sounds like a great guy."

"He is."

James lightly kicked Remus and Lily under the table. "Could you two at least pretend to listen to her?" James pleaded quietly from his seat across from her, redirecting their attention to Jacqueline who was still talking to the table about the fascinating world of modeling, totally unaware of the fact that everyone else was hosting their own private conversations on the side.

"If she hasn't noticed yet, why would she now James?" Lily asked him.

"Well you could at least have the decency to pretend that you care," he snapped at her.

Riley suddenly interrupted the argument, "Lils, I'm sorry, but I just got a text from the office. I'm going to have to go, there's an emergency in one of the Paris offices and they need me now."

"Do you really have to go?"

"Yeah, I don't want to, but I don't have much of a choice, I'm sorry."

"It's okay; I'll walk you to the port key they set up for you."

"You don't have-"

"I want to," she sweetly told him as she gently kissed his lips.

"Can't argue with that one."

"Oy," Lily called out, trying to get the table's attention. "Riley has an emergency to attend to so I'm going to go walk him to his port key."

"Do you have to?" Remus asked.

"Yeah I do," she then redirected her focus onto Jacqueline, "it was really nice meeting you."

"You too, I hope we see each other again."

Riley then said his goodbyes as well before they exited the restaurant hand in hand.

--

_Marauder's residence_

_1 a.m._

"Where have you been?" James asked her as soon as she walked through the doors of the house.

"Out dad," she sarcastically told him.

"You left the restaurant at eleven and you're just back now?"

"Why does it matter?"

"It's not safe to be out at night like that."

"I know that this may come as a shock to you James, but I'm twenty, I think I can handle it. Why were you waiting up for me anyway?"

"I wanted to talk about dinner."

"What about it?"

"You were rude to Jacqueline," he accused her.

"Oh please, Remus and I were just talking."

"You were ignoring her when she was talking to you-"

"she was paying more attention to you and constantly showing you just how much she _loves_ you than she was to Remus and me," she yelled at him.

"Who are you to talk?! You were practically all over Riley in the restaurant."

"I was not!"

"I was there, I saw it."

"Oh please, if anyone was inappropriate it was your girlfriend. The girls a bloody S.T.D. infested fuck bunny."

He suddenly began laughing, "I can't believe it, you're jealous!"

"I am not!"

"Yes, you are."

"Well if I am then you are too!"

He closed the distance between the two of them huskily whispering to her "how'd you guess?" Then he grabbed her and kissed her.

--

_**author's note:**_** so sorry if you find any mistakes in this, but my BETA didn't look over it because I wanted to post this as soon as possible because I felt so guilty about making everyone wait so long, (I'm sorry, but on the plus side this chapter was nine pages as opposed to the usual 4-6, big accomplishment on my part if I do say so myself, WHICH I DO, LoL)**


	19. what do you think?

_**Disclaimer: **_**idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**And since this chapter has a song u should be aware that I am musically inept… so yeah not mine (it's "Do You Want To" by Franz Ferdinand from the album: you could have it so much better) **

**-- **

**The one that he pushed away **

**-- **

_**Summary:**_** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his. **

**-- **

**Chapter IXX: what do you think?**

--

_before you read this please be forewarned that there are slightly graphic scenes (not even in my opinions, but for all I know someone might be offended by it… though that'd be odd considering how many curses there are in this fic… and rambling, I'll just stop now and continue with the fic)_

_--_

_**previously:**_

_He suddenly began laughing, "I can't believe it, you're jealous!"_

"_I am not!"_

"_Yes, you are."_

"_Well if I am then you are too!"_

_He closed the distance between the two of them huskily whispering to her "how'd you guess?" Then he grabbed her and kissed her._

_--_

**When I woke up tonight  
I said I'm gonna make somebody love me  
I'm Gonna make somebody love me  
And now I know, now I know, now I know  
I know that it's you  
You're Lucky, lucky, you're so lucky **

**Well do ya, do ya, do ya wanna  
Well do ya, do ya, do ya wanna  
Wanna go of what I never let you before**

**--**

"We shouldn't be doing this," she whispered against his lips.

"Yeah, sure," he told her offhandedly, humoring her as he pushed her up against the wall. She took her legs and wrapped them around his waist causing him to groan from the pleasure the pressure created. He slowly carried her up the stairs, never breaking contact from her, thankful for the fact that he knew his house like the back of his hand. He put her down as he opened the door, pushing her onto the bed, both shedding clothing.

--

_Monday morning_

_Fuck! It wasn't just a dream, oh fuckety fuck, fuck-fuck! I'm screwed, literally, oh damn it! _She thought to herself, panicking on the inside as soon as she woke up and took in the picture of a naked her lying in bed with James. _Bloody fucking hell, why am I so horny?! _

_Okay Lily, calm down, stay calm. You can do this Lily, you can do anything you set your mind to… okay, I can't keep on lying to myself, that's total bull shit! How the hell did I get into this mess?_

She slowly untangled herself from James placing one leg on the floor before quickly pushing herself off the bed.

_Is he awake?_

_No._

_Yes, score! I officially rock,_ with that thought she quickly made her way out the room, talking care to not make any noise as she exited.

--

_Aurors' department_

_8.10 a.m._

"Hey," Remus greeted her as he barged into her office.

"Good morning and thank you for knocking."

"Very funny, you're a regular comedian aren't you? Anyway, listen, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Why?"

"Well, last night was a total disaster and I just wanted to apologize for all of that."

"Oh don't worry about it; I actually kind of enjoyed it."

"You did?" he skeptically asked her.

"Well yeah, I mean the food was great, and then you and I have always loved mocking people."

"Okay, what's up? Is this some kind of a joke? Last night you could barely wait to leave, what's with the sudden change of opinion?"

"Nothing, why dwell on it, right? Let's just move on."

"Something's going on with you Evans and trust me, I _will_ get to the bottom of it," he promised her before leaving her office.

"God I hope not," she muttered to herself as she slammed her head onto the desk with a frustrated groan.

--

_Marauders' residence_

_8:15 a.m._

He slowly opened his eyes, trying to adjust to the bright light of the sun. "Lily?" he called out once he noticed that his companion was no longer in bed. "Lily, where are you?"

When no answer came James automatically knew what had happened.

--

_Aurors' department_

_11:30 a.m._

She opened the door only to find James standing outside her door, leaning on the frame, smirking at her.

"What are you doing here James?" she asked him, quickly despising that smirk more and more by the second.

"You didn't really think that you could avoid me and pretend that nothing happened, did you? Lily we s-"

"Shut up, not here," she interrupted him as she quickly pulled him into her office for more privacy.

"Lily, why did you leave this morning?"

"I had work," she told him in a clipped tone as she tried to avoid looking at him by busying herself with looking for the Echolls file that she'd need for a meeting the next day, sadly for her it was a feeble and useless attempt.

"Bull shit Lily, you were scared," he yelled at her, aggravated by the fact that she could be so unaffected by what had occurred.

"Of course I was," she cried out, shocking them both by the sudden outburst. "I cheated on Riley James. He deserves so much better then that. Worse though is that I made myself vulnerable by being with you again. I just- I _can't_ do that James."

"Why not? I love you Lily."

"You don't get it, do you? I can't be with you. I just CAN'T!"

"So what are you going to do? Stay with Riley?"

"I love him James."

"No you don't," he told her, slowly advancing towards her.

"Yes I do," she quietly argued, her resistance waning.

"Then not as much as you do me," he grabbed her and kissed her passionately. However, it was Lily that surprised them both when she pushed him off of her.

"No James. You had your chance with me, I won't let anyone break my heart like that ever again and I won't do that to Riley. I know how it feels, I went through hell and back after that James, _never_ put me in that position again James."

"Lily-"

"Leave James."

"Lils," he softly caressed her arm.

She slapped his hand away, "I told you to leave!"

"Fine, but it's not over Lils," he told her as he slammed the door on his way out of the office.

Lily fell to the ground, shaking with tears, "I need it to be so I can finally be _in_ love with someone again, you jackass," she cried as she slammed her fist against the wall.

--

_Aurors' department_

_4.30 p.m._

She was working when she saw an owl tapping on her window. "Hey fish," she greeted the animal as she took the letter from its extended leg.

_Hey love,_

_Just wanted to tell you that I'm back from Paris and was hoping that you could meet me at that park we went to a few days ago (by the Peter Pan statue that you loved so much) at eight. I have something important to ask you_

_Yours,_

_Riley._

_p.s. go casual if you can come (don't worry about having to go home and change or anything)_

--

"I have to tell you something and you have to promise not to tell _anyone_," James told Sirius as the two were leaving the pitch after practice.

"Sure, what is it?"

"Lily and I shagged last night."

"Wait- what?!" Sirius stopped dead in his tracks, the picture of befuddlement.

"Lily and I were arguing- and I don't know… I guess it just happened."

"But what about Riley?"

"She's staying with him."

"What do you think about it?"

"Riley's a great guy, I can't deny it, he's one of the nicest people I've ever met, which is going to make me feel a lot guiltier when I get her back."

--

_**author's note:**_** so my beta was unable to look at this because of some sort miscommunication so I apologize for the errors there may be (I tried, I really did, but it's hard when u no the chapter by heart so you easily overlook them)**

**and tiffany if you are out there, you sent me the wrong e-mail (it doesn't work)**


	20. perfect?

**Disclaimer: ****idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**And since this chapter has a song u should be aware that I am musically inept… so yeah not mine (it's "your ex-lover is dead" by the stars)**

**-- **

**The one that he pushed away **

**-- **

**Summary:**** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his. **

**-- **

**Chapter XX: perfect?**

--

"_But what about Riley?"_

"_She's staying with him."_

"_What do you think about it?"_

"_Riley's a great guy, I can't deny it, he's one of the nicest people I've ever met, which is going to make me feel a lot guiltier when I get her back."_

_--_

_I'm going to tell him, I have to, he deserves to know,_ she kept on telling herself on her walk towards the park, but as soon as she saw it all comprehensible thoughts left her mind. She stood in awe of the sight before her, frozen in her spot. In front of her favorite Peter Pan statue was a table at which Riley stood, but around the area were candles that were floating in the air, contrasting beautifully with the dark evening sky.

"Riley," was all that she managed to choke out.

"So do you like it?" he asked her nervously.

"It's beautiful, but you didn't need to go through all of this trouble for me."

"Lils, it's you. My best mate, my girlfriend, of course I did."

"You're too good to me," she whispered before kissing him.

"Come on, let's eat," he told her once they broke away when air was necessary, and helped her into her seat before lifting the cover off of her plate.

"Manicotti!" she exclaimed as soon as she saw her beloved Italian delight.

"When we were on that group date you never had a chance to finish yours because I had to leave early, so I though I'd try to make it up to you."

"Riley, this is all so much."

"Well, I kind of had an important question to ask you."

"What is it?" Lily asked him, hyperventilating inside, wondering if he was about to ask her what she thought he was.

--

_Marauders' residence_

_8 p.m._

"Where's Lily?" Sirius asked Remus as they sat on the couch playing with Harry.

"She won't be back for a while. Harry! Don't eat the quidditch player, come on give him back to me," Remus begged as he wrestled with the kid for the toy.

"Oh relax, I ate things I shouldn't have all the time as a kid and I'm still alive."

"Well, it's not his life, but mental health that I'm worried about now."

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?!"

"Got it!" Remus laughed as he finally managed to pry the toy away from Harry.

"You realize you just did a little cheer after beating up a two year old kid… and you say that it's my sanity you're worried about."

"Oh, leave me alone, at least I saved the bloody kid's life. He should be fucking thanking me, not spitting up on me."

"Merlin you're great with kids, you know that," Sirius teased him as he took Harry from Remus and began cleaning up after the little kid before putting him to sleep on the crib by the couch. "Wow you know what I just realized?"

"What?"

"You never told me why Lily won't be back home for a while."

"She's out with Riley."

"But I thought that he was still in France."

"Came back early to surprise her. You know his owl's name is Fish? How odd is that of a name for an owl?"

"It is? Why would he name it Fish?"

"He thought that it'd be funny if he could convince his owl that it's not in fact an owl, but a fish."

"That's bloody brilliant," Sirius roared with laughter. "Anyway, do you know when they'll be back?"

"Not sure."

"Do you know _anything_ about their relationship?"

"I take it that she still won't really talk to you."

"No, she does, and as a friend and everything, but still, it's not like before."

"Well, you can't just go back in time."

"I know… but… I just thought that we'd be able to find our way back. I mean, why is it so easy to forgive you, but not me? No offense, but as close as she may have been with you during school, it wasn't like with me. You two would gossip, but she and I, we really talked."

"None taken, but didn't you ever think that maybe it's harder to forgive you because she was closest with you. That was the biggest betrayal of all to her. It wasn't so much that you didn't tell her, but that you let her stay in that relationship."

"I need her back Remus. I love her; life without her just isn't the same, it's like it's not complete. I know that it sounds like total shit, but it's true. It's sadly sappy and true."

"I know you do, but if you want a change you're going to have to go for it, not try tot go through Riley to get to her."

"I haven't been using Riley, I really like him."

"You do? Why?"

"What do you mean? He's a great guy, you really don't think so?"

"He's just too perfect."

"I know… I usually hate guys like that, but there's just something about him… maybe he's so perfect that he's imperfect, that you like him? I don't know, I'm confusing myself, but even James likes him."

"He does?"

"Yeah, just not as Lily's boyfriend."

Remus laughed, "That sounds like something James would say."

They both sat in a comfortable silence before Sirius interrupted it, "He wants her back."

"Has he told you that?"

"Yeah."

"Well, what do you want to do about it?"

"I think we should let them be this time; let them find their way back to one another without our interference."

"Maybe you're right."

"Moony, I think that's the first time that I've ever heard you utter those words to me. It's like a Christmas miracle… minus the Christmas."

"Well what can I say? You did what the tin man in the Wizard of OZ couldn't do, you finally got a brain."

--

_The park_

"I was wondering if you'd like me to move here, to be with you. You know, to give us a real shot, not just some long distance thing."

Lily sat in a shocked silence before finally chocking out, "Riley-"

"Wait, just hear me out Lils. I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I'm willing to wait however long I have to in order for you to realize that we belong together-"

"Riley, stop," she cried. "I love you, I really do, and I may even be in love with you-"

"Then what's the problem?" he asked gleefully, ecstatic from her confession.

"You're so perfect-"

"I wouldn't say I'm perfect, I have tons of flaws-"

"But you are, you're so perfect, so good, and I wish- you're the guy that I wish was the love of my life," she cried.

"I don't- I don't understand."

"We would be good together Riley, I can't deny that, but- but we don't belong together."

"Come on Lily, you can't possibly mean that-"

"But I do, I'm sorry Riley," she sobbed as she got up and kissed him on the cheek before hastily leaving the park, desperately trying to leave before a whole new wave of tears took over her.

--

_Marauders' residence_

_9 p.m._

"Hey Lils," the group greeted her as soon as she entered the house.

"Hi," she monotonously responded before pleasing a chaste kiss on her sleeping son's forehead before leaving the room.

Once she entered her room she broke down in an uncontrollable fit of tears, only to be interrupted by a knocking on her window. She opened it to see Fish extending his leg to her so she could take the parcel.

_Lils,_

_I love you, I always have and I think that I always will, but I think- I think that the great thing about our relationship is that we are mates above all else, and I think I can change it so it's more brotherly (just give me some time, I promise that I'll write you, I just need some time to get over you). I mean, I get it, I get why you ended it, you wouldn't do it unless you really believed that we were for one another, you always were the smart one, so here I am following you lead._

_Forever yours (as just a brother, I promise)_

_Riley._

_p.s. I know I always used to tease you about having a song for every relationship, but I get it now… in some weird way it's therapeutic, like finally getting closure and something to commemorate it with._

_Well, here's your closure love, it's in the CD attached._

She quickly took the CD from the package and placed it in her CD player, lying in bed as she listened to the soft lyrics.

**God that was strange to see you again  
Introduced by a friend of a friend  
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'  
In that instant it started to pour,  
Captured a taxi despite all the rain  
We drove in silence across pont champlain  
And all of the time you thought I was sad  
I was trying to remember your name...**

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin  
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in  
Now you're outside me  
You see all the beauty  
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose  
I chose to feel it and you couldn't chose  
I'll write you a postcard  
I'll send you the news  
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...  
Live through this, and you won't look back...  
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave  
You were what I wanted  
I gave what I gave  
I'm not sorry I met you  
I'm not sorry it's over  
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say...

As soon as the song ended and she was able to stop crying she took out a parchment and wrote him back.

_Riley,_

_No matter how much you deny it, you really are perfect. You even know the perfect song._

_Thank you. I'll wait for you,_

_Lily._

--

_**Author's note**_**: there you go, the end of Riley, hope you liked it. please give feedback on the ending, I could really use it, I need to know if people liked it**


	21. growing up

**Disclaimer: ****idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**-- **

**The one that he pushed away **

**-- **

**Summary:**** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his. **

**-- **

**Chapter XXI: growing up**

--

_Lils,_

_I love you, I always have and I think that I always will, but I think- I think that the great thing about our relationship is that we are mates above all else, and I think I can change it so it's more brotherly (just give me some time, I promise that I'll write you, I just need some time to get over you). I mean, I get it, I get why you ended it, you wouldn't do it unless you really believed that we were for one another, you always were the smart one, so here I am following you lead._

_Forever yours (as just a brother, I promise)_

_Riley._

--

_Marauders' residence _

_8 a.m._

"Hey," she greeted the boys as she walked into the kitchen with Harry on her hip.

"Where's Riley? I saw his room and it's totally cleaned out," Remus asked.

"He and I broke up last night."

At that statement a loud crash was heard. They all turned to see that James had dropped his mug onto the floor. "Um… it was really hot," he told them in a feeble attempt to cover the true impact that her statement had had on him before doing a quick incantation to clean up the mess.

"So why did you two break up?" Sirius asked, rolling his eyes at his friend's clumsiness and lack of originality as far as excuses were concerned.

Lily stood there for a minute, unsure as to what she should say in response to that question. Weighing her options, it was private, and it was still an open wound that hurt at the mere thought of it. Then again, Sirius was always the one that could heal her pain when they were kids.

"He offered to move to be with me."

At that statement Remus spit out the coffee that he had been drinking.

"Oy, why does this always happen with us?!" Sirius exclaimed as he became the victim of the hot liquid blast. "I love you Remus. I proved that to you last night numerous times, but say it, don't spray it Remmy."

"Sorry," he told him before redirecting his attention to Lily, "but isn't commitment supposed to be a good thing?"

"Riley deserves better-"

"There isn't anyone better than you," James told her.

"Thanks James, but he does. He deserves to find someone that's the love of his life, and that's just not me. I wish we were, but no matter how happy we would be together we just aren't each other's true loves."

"How do you figure?" Remus asked.

Lily took some hot wheat cereal, feeding it to Harry, "I don't know… it just came to me all of a sudden and… I honestly don't know how I came to the realization, but it feels right. I don't know if it makes sense, it just feels like that's how it should be, like it's the truth."

"That's deep," Sirius said as he dipped a finger into Harry's food, "that stuff's really good!"

"First of all, don't put your finger in my son's food; he's picky enough as it is; who knows how he'll react to it now! And second of all, how long have you wanted to try it?" Lily asked him.

"Since you started preparing it, it smelled really good," Sirius sheepishly admitted.

She then tried to feed it to Harry and he began fussing, making it impossible for her to feed it to him. "See, you bloody arse, he won't eat it now!" she yelled at him as she smacked him upside the head.

"Lils we should go, we have to meet with Camus in less than an hour and can you please stop beating up my boyfriend all the time, I'm kind of fond of this one," Remus told her, laughing at the scene that was unfolding.

"Sure, just let me put Harry down and I'll meet you in the living room in forty. Amber should be here any minute anyway."

"Okay," with that, the two left the kitchen.

"She broke up with him," James slowly said once they were out of earshot, as though still trying to process the information.

"I think you're kind of stating the obvious there mate," Sirius mocked him.

"But what does that mean?"

"It means you have a shot," Sirius stated obviously, amused at James' current state of bafflement over what had just occurred.

"Right, right."

"You have no idea what to do, do you?"

"Bloody hell, I feel lost!"

--

_Lily's office_

_3 p.m._

She opened the door to leave for the day when she saw that in front of her door stood numerous bouquets of white tulips. She immediately reached for the card in the one closest to her.

_Lils,_

_I know that I said that I wouldn't try anything, but that night changed everything for me. So here I am, taking a chance, going all in. so tell me, do you want me to give up?_

_If you say yes I promise that I will… and that time forever._

_If you say no (like I'm praying that you will right now) then all I ask for is one date. No strings attached, and at the very lease we'll both leave with some semblance of closure._

_Yours,_

_James._

"Bloody hell," she was in a state of shock, she hadn't expected that move on his part. James was one for the extravagant gestures, not something so simple, but beautiful, something so endearing.

"I'm screwed," was the only thought running through her mind as she re-entered her office.

--

"Finny boy," she called into the mirror.

"You rang?"

"I need help."

"No surprise there."

"It's about James."

"Is that why you dumped Riley?"

"So you heard?"

"How could I not? A bit disappointed that you didn't tell me though."

"I love you!" she told him, well aware of the fact that those three words were always an easy route back into his good graces.

"Of course you do, it's me, how could you not? And I forgive you. So what'd you want?"

"James sent me a letter," she told him before reading it to him. "So tell me, what do I do now?"

"Okay, first tell me why you broke up with Riley because he's really tight lipped about it right now."

"Why?"

"Just trust me."

"well, we're just not meant for one another."

"How do you know?"

"Because- well, because I'll never love him like I did-"

"James," he finished for her, disappointed that after two years of helping her move on it still came back to the guy that broke her heart. "Well, I think you just answered your own question."

"How?"

"If James is the only one that you can imagine as your _soul mate_ or whatever girly term you want to use for it, then maybe you should just give it another go."

"I guess…"

"Why are you so indecisive?" Finn exclaimed, his first traces of aggrivation coming through.

"Well, what if-"

"No! No 'what if'! I won't have any of it! You dumped one of the best guys out there because he couldn't compare to James in your eyes, and now you won't give it a go with James? Woman, you're in a constant state of PMS and personally I'm sick of it. Just pick, it's no fucking strings attached Lils, stop over analyzing!"

"HEY!"

"It's true," he told her, calming down after his outburst.

"You're right, but you're still a wanker," she admitted with a weak smile.

catching onto the fact that the conversation was now over, he laughed, "excuse me? Do you honestly think I ever have to with a body like this?"

"I doubt that anyone is as egotistical as you in the world."

"Well my personal theme song _is_ 'you're so vain' for a reason my dear."

"I miss you."

"I miss you too, and Harry. Life isn't the same without you two here. Riley and I grew used to having him in our lives; we never realized what a staple in it you two were until you weren't there anymore."

"He misses you too."

"Promise me that I'll still be in his life, that you'll find a way."

"Of course … Riley too, that is if he wants to."

"He does. He gets it Lils, he _really_ does. He just wants you to be happy in the end. Just give him some time, his prides a bit tainted right now."

"He's too good."

"Well with a guy like Riley in his life Harry will grow up to be a great man," he told her sweetly, without a single undertone of spite or jealousy.

"You too you know."

"I'm just the resident drunk Lily, and I'm okay-" he told her simply, hiding his aggravation at the image that people have of him, the one that they never let him escape.

"Don't- don't say that, I may tease you about that, but you're so much more. Yes, you have your faults, but so does everyone else-"

"Even Riley?" eh asked her doubtfully.

"You and I both know that he's perfect, but you know Harry can learn so much from you, from your faults too you know."

"Thanks Lils, it means a lot to me," he told her with a sweet smile, one of the rare glimpses into his vulnerability that only Lily had ever been exposed to.

"You've done so much more for me."

"Well I love you."

"I love you too Fin-Fin."

--

_Quidditch pitch_

_5 p.m._

James was leaving the pitch after practice finished when he saw Lily's owl Herbert flying towards him. He reached for the letter that it dropped and when he opened it he was shocked by the response.

--

_**author's note: **_**so I just realized that I won't be home tomorrow until late so I wouldn't be able to post the next chapter as I had initially planned. Since I didn't want to give it in later, here it is…**

**oh and results are in for the fic that I will do: (p.s. the 1****st**** place 1 you picked got 3 pts, 2****nd**** place got 2 pts, etc.)**

_James Potter Must Die: 12_

_I know that you sleep with my boyfriend:21_

_A pirate's life was never for me: 28_

**Like I said, I will write all of the fics regardless, this only dictates in which order they will be published.**

**Anyway, thank you so much for the astounding amount of support I received.**


	22. to a new beginning

**Disclaimer: ****idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**-- **

**The one that he pushed away **

**-- **

**Summary:**** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his. **

**-- **

**Chapter XXII: to a new beginning **

--

_James was leaving the pitch after practice finished when he saw Lily's owl Herbert flying towards him. He reached for the letter that it dropped and when he opened it he was shocked by the response._

--

_You're on._

_It better be a hell of a date though._

_Yours,_

_Lily._

_--_

_Marauders' residence_

_6. p.m._

He walked into Harry's room only to find Lily playing with the boy and his Quidditch set; he snuck up behind her-

"James, the one main thing that we learned in Auror training was to sharpen our senses and always be aware of our surroundings. Did you really think that you could sneak up on me?" she teased him. She looked at her son lovingly, watching him squeal with excitement as the snitch flew around him, evading him every time he tried to catch it. "Harry's just like you, you know? Adores Quidditch, looks exactly like you, minus the eyes that is. He might as well be a carbon copy of you… hopefully minus the ego though," she added as an after thought.

"Hey there's nothing wrong with my ego!" he protested as he took his son from her arms. "Hey big boy, your dad's perfect, isn't he?" he asked the boy, fully aware of the fact that Harry agreed with whatever he said.

Therefore it was no shock to either party when Harry responded by saying "da-da, pefet!" squealing with laughter as James threw him into the air.

"Oh please, the kid cherishes the ground you walk on, that is totally biased!"

"Well maybe he cherishes it because I really am perfect. Ever thought of that, Lils?"

"You're an idiot, give me back my son," she told him as she took Harry from him and placed him back in his crib for his nap. Before turning to him and pushing him out of the room so that Harry could sleep in peace.

"So," he told her as they stood in the hallway, "you said yes."

"I did."

"Good."

"I should hope you'd think so."

"So when do you want to go out?"

"Whenever, I'm not picky, you know that."

"I was hoping you'd say that, be ready at eight," he told her before giving her a peck on the cheek and leaving her rooted in her spot absolutely dumbstruck by what had just occurred.

--

_Marauders' residence_

_8.15 p.m._

She heard a knock on the door and opened it to find James standing in front of her with a cup of coffee in hand.

"I thought that you might like something other than flowers considering that you got twelve bouquets already, and your coffee addiction is rather famous."

"Brought coffee and followed the fifteen minutes late rule, you sure do know how to woo a girl."

"I try."

"So what will we be doing this evening James?"

"You'll see," he told her with an amused smirk.

"Oh come on! You know I'm impatient," she whined, hoping to goad him into revealing his plans to her.

"Well then, we'll just have to get going so you won't be in suspense for too long," he told her as he grabbed her arm and apparated from the room.

--

"James, is this what I think it is?" she asked, staring at the manor they had apparated to.

"The Potter Manor? Yeah, it is."

"Why are we here? I thought that after your mum and dad died, you never went back."

"Who told you that?"

"Sirius and Remus."

"Yeah, well, I started to visit once you and Harry came back. At first I couldn't even go in because it hurt too much, but I'm able to now."

"Why when Harry and I came back?"

"My dad always liked you, told me that you were the best thing that ever happened to me, that you'd change my life- I- once I found out about Harry I just needed to come back. I had a happy childhood here and I wanted the same for Harry. I guess I just wanted some sort of inspiration, guidance."

"You didn't need it; you'd be a great dad regardless. You proved that time and time again with Harry, but still I'm glad you came back, it's about time."

"Yeah, well, let's go in so you can finally see the surprise."

"Now I'm excited."

"You should be," he told her as he took her hand and led her into the house.

"Oh my god," she exclaimed once she saw the room.

The room was set up exactly like the muggle pizzeria from their first date, "I even cooked pizza," he told her nervously. "I thought that maybe we could start over, from scratch. Have a fresh start, I think we have a real shot at having something good."

"I'd like that," she told him with a sweet smile as he helped her into her seat.

--

"You know, you never told me how they died," she commented as the two sat eating their dinner, reminiscing over the happy moments in their past.

"Mum passed away from cancer, but dad- well no matter how 'prepared' he may have been for it because he already knew that it'd ultimately have to come at some point... he just wasn't ready to lose her. They said that he died of a broken heart... like after she died, he didn't see a reason to go on and just gave up, his body soon followed as well."

"I'm sorry," she told him, placing her hand on top of his, rubbing it softly in an attempt to console him.

"Don't be… I may not have seen it then, but it really was an honorable death. What better way to die than for the love of your life?"

"But you lost them both."

"And believe me, I resented them for it for a long time, especially my father because he could have prevented it… but I get it now. I understand why he did, just took some time for me to finally see."

"Then why…" she stopped herself, confusion making way onto her face.

"Why didn't I come back sooner? I told you, took me a long time to forgive him, but even when I did, it hurt to come back because I was always bombarded by these memories of my mum and her death… let's stop talking about this, it's not helping with the mood," he told her lightly, in an attempt to evade further discussion over the painful topic. "What about you, how are your parents?"

"We don't talk anymore," she stated simply and coldly.

"Why?" James asked, shocked by her confession; she and her parents had always had an incredibly strong bond, one that he had been jealous of when he met them soon after his father's death.

"I was to either get an abortion or leave."

"I'm sorry, they shouldn't have-"

"But they did and it's over, I'm over it," she told him in a clipped tone.

"Lily-"

"James, let's not talk about sad things. How about we just enjoy the rest of the evening?"

"Okay, we can do that," James conceded.

"Good," she smiled.

"So do you like the pizza?"

"It's amazing, did you really make it?"

"Thanks, and yes I did! It's just about the only thing I can cook."

The rest of the evening was spent with pleasant conversations about even the most mundane things, often teasing one another about one thing or another. They just enjoyed in one another's company, getting reacquainted with one another.

--

_Marauders' residence_

_1 a.m. _

"So," James said as the two stood in front of her door.

"So," she smiled, teasing him.

"I guess that this is good night."

"Oh," she said sarcastically as she glanced at her watch, "Gee, I guess that's why it was so dark outside."

"Funny girl. So any chance that this can happen again?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"Maybe," she told him, smiling at him flirtatiously.

"A good maybe?"

"Depends."

"On what?"

She raised herself so that she was standing on her tip toes and brought her mouth to his ear, whispering, "On how good of a kisser you are."

"In that case," he smirked at her as he leaned down to kiss her. Once they finally separated both breathless and gasping for air, he asked her, "So what's the final consensus Ms. Evans?"

"Don't know yet, need to make up my mind," she huskily whispered to him before grabbing the lapels of his jacket and pulling him down to kiss him once more.


	23. can I get my happy ending?

**Disclaimer: ****idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**-- **

**The one that he pushed away **

**-- **

**Summary:**** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his. **

**-- **

**Chapter XXIII: can I get my happy ending?**

--

"_Oh my god," she exclaimed once she saw the room._

_The room was set up exactly like the muggle pizzeria from their first date, "I even cooked pizza," he told her nervously. "I thought that maybe we could start over, from scratch."_

"_I'd like that," she told him as he helped her into her seat._

--

"So you're really dating him? Like full on disgustingly cute couple together?" Finn repeated, checking if he had heard correctly after Lily had admitted to the fact that she was officially in love with her boyfriend of three months.

"Yeah… so what do you think?"

"I don't know. It's your life, not mine."

"I know, but I need your opinion. You're always brutally honest with me."

"You claim that he makes you happier than you've ever been, well that's all I've ever wanted for you, you deserve to be happy."

"I love you so much Fin-Fin."

"Same here love."

"So, what's going on on your side of the world?"

"Booze and more booze with a few lady friends thrown in here and there, you know, the usual."

"You're such a man whore."

"I never promise those girls anything, nor do I ever give them a reason to have hope for more as far as I am concerned. I make my intentions perfectly clear before starting anything."

"I still think you'll find that special someone one day."

"And I want that at some point, I just hope that it won't be too soon because I'm really just not ready for that right now. I'd probably treat her like total shite."

"Don't sell yourself too short though, any girl would be lucky to have you in her life, and I'm speaking from experience."

"Thanks, but right now I'm just way too immature for something like that-"

"Whatever you say Finn, I still think it's total shit."

"We're never going to find a common ground, are we?"

"It's okay. You're a guy; your stupidity is expected."

"This is coming from the girl that walks into walls on a daily basis."

"I'm tired and all bleary eyed in the morning, it's not my fault!" she protested.

"Doesn't change the fact that you walk into them love."

"You're so mean to me!"

"Only brutally honest. I thought you liked that about me."

"Shut up, I have to go anyway."

"So should I, I have a meeting in three minutes."

"Bye sexy!"

"Bye hot-mama!"

"You sound like a bloody yank whenever you say that."

"Hey, that's mean! I'm going to-"

"Bye Finn," she told him as she cut off his rant by hanging up on him.

--

_Next day_

"How's my little boy?" she asked him as she picked him up off of Sirius' lap.

"Mama, Hawy learn wod!" the toddler exclaimed as she held him.

"Oh really, and what would that be?"

"SEX!"

"Sirius, what did you do to my son?" she asked him as she placed Harry in his play pen before advancing toward Sirius.

"Lily, you were going to have the talk with him someday. If you think about it, I was actually helping you," he defended, as he backed away from her.

"Teach my son-"

_Knock, knock_

"This is not over," she promised him as she walked to the door to let the person in.

"Well is it isn't my favorite girl," a voice greeted her as she opened it.

--

"So how's it going with Lily?" Remus asked James as the two were shopping for things for Sirius' impending birthday.

"It's great; I haven't fucked up yet which is a miracle in itself."

"You're pathetic," Remus laughed at his friend's pride over the statement.

"It's true, I have this inane tendency to screw everything up, you've seen it before. With her- I haven't looked at another girl since we got back together. I love her. I love that she walks into walls in the morning because she hasn't had her coffee yet and can't be bothered to look where she's going. I love that she gets along with my mates so well. I love that she is so bloody insecure and indecisive to the point that you just want to strangle her and tell her to make up her mind already… I just, I knew that I needed her, I just never realized how much. She makes me want to be a better person."

"You've turned into a bloody wanker."

"Yeah, I have, that's the one downside to it all."

"But I'm glad that you two are working it out… you two just somehow make sense… I don't know why, but it's like everything you lack, she has, and vice versa."

"It just won't be easy."

"Things never are as far as you and Lily are concerned. You're both too hot tempered and have way too much pride. That's probably your only similarity."

"For the first time, I want to work for it. I'm going all in Moony, and it feels good."

"Fucking wanker," Remus muttered after the last statement.

"This is coming from the guy that is head over heals for Sirius."

"Shut up and let's call a truce."

--

"Finn, what are you doing here?" she asked him as she lunged towards him, pulling him into a tight hug.

"I wanted to see you, I missed you."

"It's been way too long."

"It has. I can't make it without my ickle, fickle Lilykins."

"Lily, who is it?" Sirius asked as he walked towards the door.

"Sirius, I want you to meet my best friend, Finn," she introduced them.

"'Ello ole chap," Remus greeted him in a faux English accent, before returning to his own, "Sorry, I've just always wanted to do that. You always see them say that in the films."

"Idiot," Lily teased him.

"Actually, I thought it was pretty funny Lils, especially with the heavy Aussie accent to boot," Sirius quipped.

"That's because you're also an idiot. It's like tweedle-dumb and tweedle-dee, finally united."

"No need to be cruel Lils," Finn reprimanded her.

"She makes me want to cry," Sirius complained.

"I know, she's been making me feel like I was about to cry as well for about two and a half years now," Finn complained.

"Nine years for me," Sirius told him as the two shared purposefully a sympathetic look of understanding, well aware of what Lily's reaction to it would be.

"I'm right here you know," Lily complained.

"Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship," Finn told him as he clapped Sirius on the back.

"That's from that film that you made us watch a few nights ago, right?" Sirius asked Lily I regards to what Finn had just said.

"Oh, so now you want to talk to me?! I don't think so. I'm not in the mood to talk to you, so deal!"

"Is that a no?"

"I'm not telling you."

"Oh Lils, get off it, you know you love it when I tease you," Finn smirked at her.

"Well you don't have to bring other people into it. I can't deal with another version of you, Sirius as bad enough as it is."

"Hey!" they two simultaneously protested.

"You tease me, I tease you," she smirked at them before walking away.

"Bloody hell I missed her," Finn exclaimed.

"Saucy little minx. What a tease."

--

_6 p.m._

"Hey love," James greeted her with a kiss as he walked into Harry's room where she had just finished putting him to bed. She gently pushed him out of the room so that they were standing in the hallway and wouldn't disturb their son.

"Hey, I missed you," she told him, before pulling him towards her and kissing him passionately, never breaking apart until air was necessary.

"Bloody hell, I've been dying to do that all day. What do you say we go out to lunch, just the two of us?" James asked her.

"I can't, I have dinner plans with Finn."

"Lily," he eyed her dangerously, his infamous jealous streak making its way through, "Who's Finn?"

"A good mate of mine, no need too get so pissy. Strictly platonic, I promise. Plus, it's not like I'm the one that we should be worried about," she spat at him, bitter over his lack of trust.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well you don't exactly have the best track record as far as monogamy is concerned James."

"So it's back to that, is it?" James spat at her, angry with her for returning too that point in history and using it against him as if nothing had changed. "Grow up and move on Lily."

"Who are you to tell me that after you insinuated that I would cheat on you?"

"Well you're going out with-"

"Do you trust me James?"

"What? Of course I-"

"No you don't, and I'm sick of it. I don't want to fight with you, maybe it's be better if we just-"

"You're giving up again? I can't believe it! So what, it's over, just like that?"

"Yeah, I think it is," she told him quietly, head bowed, trying to hide the tears making way.

"You're crazy! You're bloody fucked in the head if you really mean that," James yelled at her, anger surging through his veins to the point that he no longer had control over himself.

"Yeah, well I guess you dated a crazy girl then, because I do mean it."

"Whatever, you want to screw it up, then go ahead and do it," he told her dismissively, eyes void of any emotion as he left her standing alone in the hallway.

--

_**Author's note:**_** you didn't really think that it'd be smooth sailing after the last chapter, now did you?**

**Anyway,**

**Last chapter I only got four reviews. So please, I beg of you, do try to review… I honestly don't think I'm asking for much, it doesn't have to be long or anything, it's just that some feedback (good or bad) always helps. **


	24. it just makes sense

**Disclaimer: ****idea's that Rowling girl's. **

**And since this chapter has a song u should be aware that I am musically inept… so yeah not mine (it's "nothing like you and I" by the Perishers)**

**-- **

**The one that he pushed away **

**-- **

**Summary:**** she had loved him, but he broke her heart so many times that it dissipated to a point that all she felt when it came to him was pain. He hurt her so many times and she finally got up the courage to leave him… but she did so with something of his. **

**-- **

**Chapter XXIV: it just makes sense**

--

_7 p.m._

"Hey love, ready to go yet?" Finn asked, poking his head through the door.

"Oh yeah, sorry," she told him distractedly as she quickly grabbed her purse and checked her reflection in the mirror before returning her attention to Finn. "So where will you be taking me this evening? You should be aware of the fact that I have very high standards," she teased him.

"Well I don't really know the area that well, so I figured we'd go to this little family run restaurant that I passed by while at a meeting at the ministry before coming here."

"Rustic, I like. You really do know the way to a girl's heart."

"It's a gift really."

"So, how are we going to get there?"

"We can apparate. Just hold on tight," he told her.

--

_Uncle George's_

"This place is so amazing," Lily gushed as she surveyed the restaurant.

"I like it. It may not be as chic as people usually prefer, but it suits me. It's got more appeal. I hate those pompous restaurants, the only people you meet there are chauvinistic wankers."

"It's because you and I have such amazing taste that we realize this, everyone else just doesn't know what they're talking about or see how overrated it is," she laughed.

"We really are amazing, aren't we?"

"So true."

At those words the waiter came to request their orders. Once he left Finn turned to her and asked, "So, how's it going with that guy, James?"

She bowed her head so he couldn't see the sorrow, after a slight pause she responded, "I think I messed up Finn- actually I know I messed up." She finally raised her head and he was shocked by the heartbroken look in her eyes that he had only seen a handful of times.

"What happened Lils?"

"James got jealous when I told him I was going out to dinner with you- I- I got mad that he doubted me, I was spiteful. I told him that I wasn't the one that we should be worried about," she broke out in sobs. "The fight escalated from there and I ended it. I miss him Finn!"

"Do you really think that he might cheat on you again Lils?"

"No- I know that logically I should be scared, but- but this time around I'm really not. For some reason, I trust him. I've fallen for him- hard."

"Do you want my advice?"

"Well of course I do! I just spilled out my heart to you, didn't I?"

"I'm just usually not the guy people come to for advice; it's still new to me Lils. They may come to vent, but not for advice."

"Yes, well they also don't know you like I do. They don't realize how great you are at giving advice."

"Flattery will get you no where my dear- well, okay maybe this time it will. I think you have to talk to him-"

"Well duh!"

"Oy, let me finish, will you?!"

"Sorry," she meekly apologized to him.

"Anyway, as I was saying, you two need to talk things out, hash it all out. You have to talk about the past, really address it this time so you can finally get over it and stop being so bitter about it if you really want a chance at some pseudo-happy relationship with him. Whether you realize it or not, it still bothers you."

"I'm scared Finn," she whispered quietly.

"Why?"

"What if I'm really not enough?"

"Lils, you're an idiot and no matter how many times I tell you just how perfect you are I know that it won't change anything. That's also exactly why you need to talk to him. I can't help you with this one, no matter how much I may want to. You have to stop it with this calm and collected, take no prisoner exterior around him. You have to let yourself be weak in front of someone other than me and Riley. It's like no one other than us really gets to see the real you."

"What if what I learn isn't what I wanted?"

"Then you can be happy that you didn't waste anymore time on him."

She cracked a smile for the first time since the conversation was initiated, "I missed you so much."

"Well I'm here for now, so let's enjoy it."

"Hear, hear," she toasted.

--

_Marauders' residence_

_Next morning_

_Knock, knock_

"It's open," James yelled from his bed where he was drawing up plays for his coach to look over.

"Hi you're James, right?" asked a guy with a heavy Australian accent once he entered the room.

"Yeah, and you are?"

"Finn, Lily's friend."

"Should have known, the accent was a dead give away, wasn't it?"

"I wanted to talk to you," Finn told him, his eyes skimming over the heaps of papers on James' bed, "but you're busy now, so-"

"No- no, it's okay. Really, it is. I needed a break anyway."

"I wanted to talk to you about Lily. You should know that I love her, and I'd die for her if I had to, which is also why I have to tell you: if you hurt her, I _will _kill you."

"I don't want to-"

"I don't care. I dealt with a broken Lily once and it wasn't pleasant. That girl means the world to me," Finn paused, calculating his actions, whether or not he was doing the right thing or just helping her get her heart broken yet again. "I don't trust you; I don't know what to make of you. All I know is that for some inane reason Lily loves you. So I'm giving you two options: fix it, and soon or just let her go. If you don't think it'll work out in the end, then leave her be.' Finn told him before heading to the door, when he was about to pull it open, he stopped, 'I said that I don't know what to make of you… I lied, I know one thing, and that's that you love her. You put her before yourself once, when you tried to fight your feelings for her before you two got together-'

"How did you know about that?" James asked, baffled by the statement.

"Riley saw more than you thought. Just- just protect her. Don't hurt her, please, don't break her again," he begged James, all traces of pride escaping him for the sake of Lily, before he exited the room.

--

"Hello you little bugger, did you miss your uncle Finn?" Finn asked Harry as he threw him into the air causing Harry to squeal in delight.

"You better not do that after he eats, or his breakfast will be on you," Lily told him as she prepared Harry's breakfast.

"Can I feed him? I missed doing that, never realized how much I enjoyed it until you two left and it wasn't part of my- our morning routine anymore. I used to love it; I'd wake up get ready for work then stop by your place and help out with Harry while you got ready. I know I used to complain about it- but I never realized how much I needed that. How much it meant to me."

"I felt the same way after you weren't there any more," she told him, as she handed him the plate full of Harry's hot wheat cereal. "It felt weird, like not only did I lose my mate, but I lost my favorite part of my day. You and I would bicker and tease one another, I missed it so much."

"I'm glad we didn't lose touch. I know it's hard to live apart form one another like this, but I'm glad that we talk every day, that we're still just as close as we were the day we left. Maybe even closer."

"You sound like a girl."

"You're my world Lils, you know that right?"

"You're mine too. I'm so glad that I went to Australia, regardless of everything that happened, it was worth it. You helped me so much; you made me a stronger person… you made me feel more loved than I ever have before I met you. I used to cry over what happened, I used to wish it'd never happened, but I'm glad it did now. I love Harry, I have a great job, and best of all I have tight knit group of friend that although maybe smaller than that form Hogwarts, with this one I actually know that they really are my friends. I'm finally happy with my life, and most of that is attributed to having you in it."

"I think I'm going to cry," he told her. "And I'm really not teasing you this time Lils. You surprise me by making me this person I always wanted to be."

"We both need each other, it's a nice feeling."

"It is," he told her with a smile as he began making "choo-choo" noises so Harry would open his mouth to eat.

"No one ever does that with him, he misses it," Lily told him.

"Why don't they, that thing's like famous?"

"It's your thing; it's how he remembers you. Kids at this age don't have that great of a memory; I want him to have something by which he can identify you."

"Thanks Lils."

"Hey, you're a big part of his life. Only reason I'm sane now is because of you, imagine the poor kind if he had a crazy mum. You saved him."

"So you're not crazy now?" Finn teased her.

Lily swatted him, "Oy, you know what I meant!"

"Don't mess with the hair love, a lot of preparation went into it."

"You're such a girl," she laughed at him.

"Yeah? Well at least I don't cry at the end of Casablanca."

"Who cries at the end of that movie?" Remus asked as he and Sirius entered the kitchen.

"Lily," Finn told him.

"They should be together at the end, they're meant for one another, and everyone knows it, even that bloody husband of hers. Anyway, Finn cries during Bambi."

"Hey, who doesn't when they see a deer die, it's so sad!" Finn exclaimed defending himself.

"It's true," Sirius agreed.

"Why am I dating you?" Remus asked, giving his boyfriend and incredulous look.

"Because I'm great in the sack."

"Tr-"

"Oy! Don't need to hear this, nor do my son's virginal ears," Lily exclaimed.

Finn merely laughed as he watched the scene unfold, "That was great!"

"I'm not liking you right now, you know that?" Lily told him.

"Oh please, you adore me."

"You two really are an odd couple," Sirius commented with a slight undertone of jealousy at the banter between the two.

"Don't we know it; you should have seen us when we argued at meetings when we worked under the same department."

"Bloody hell, I forgot about that. I thought Brunswick would kill us sooner or later. You should have seen it though," he addressed Sirius and Remus, "Imagine this pretty built, bald man, very Mr. Clean-esque, turn red. And mates, he was red like a tomato, his entire head. Then there would be this weird vein popping out of his head whenever he got really mad at us, especially if we were reckless during a mission."

"That's bloody hilarious," the two men roared with laughter as they heard the story.

Lily just sat back and watched the scene with a smile on her face. After everything that had happened it was all finally falling into place. Sirius and Remus may not be as close to her as they had once been, admittedly that was her own fault, but they were getting there, and her other friends still fit perfectly in her life.

Everything was right.

_Almost everything_.

--

_Two hours later_

Finn had left for the ministry because he had some business there (he ah taken the mission because he had known that then he'd be able to visit Lily), and with him gone Lily was at a loss as to what to do.

"Hey," she greeted Sirius and Remus as she walked into the living room only to see them watching a quidditch game.

"Hello love, how is your Excellency fairing this fine day?" Sirius teased her as he turned off the TV and the two redirected their attention to her.

"Nothing much going on with me, what are you two up to?"

"Sirius is trying to find the kinks in Ireland's strategy to prepare for the game against them this Saturday."

"Will you come? You know, to cheer me on and all that pish-posh," Sirius asked.

"I can't believe that you just said 'pish-posh,'" Lily laughed.

"Oh shush you, are you coming or not?"

"I don't know-"

"You can't miss a game just because you and James are having problems. It'll be terribly unfair to me love."

"Well you're certainly very considerate of my feelings."

"Sorry about him Lils; you know how he is, but still he's right; you should come. It'll be fun, I promise. You and I can stuff our faces with food, you know they have the best junk food at quidditch games," he goaded her, knowing her weak spot as far as food was concerned.

"Remus, are you bribing me with food?" she gasped.

"Is it working?" he winked at her conspiratorially.

"Maybe."

"So you're coming?! Great! I'll reserve your seats in the top box then," Sirius told her excitedly as he picked her up and twirled her in the air.

--

She sat on her bed rifling through the piles of bills, trying to organize them to no avail when she heard a knock at the door. "Come in," she called out.

The door opened to reveal James, he closed the door behind him before asking her, "I'm not interrupting anything important am I?"

"Oh- no, not at all. I was just trying to organize these bills with my seemingly non-existent organizational skills. It's rather pathetic actually."

"Yeah, you never were particularly good at that. I remember how Alice would organize them for you herself whenever she got fed up with it all because it got so messy."

**We spent some time  
together walking  
Spent some time just talking   
about who we were**

"Listen, James, I-"

"Let me first, before I lose my nerves, okay?" he interrupted her, his calm and collected façade finally escaping him.

"Sure."

"I screwed up in the past Lils, I know that, and I get why it's impossible for you to forget it, but Lils- I need you Lils. You make me want to be a better person; you make me want to be able to finally deserve you. I love you Lils, please don't leave me," he begged her, keeling in front of where she sat on her bed.

**You held my hand so  
very tightly  
And told me what we  
could be dreaming of**

She didn't know what too say in response to that, all she could was pull him towards her and hug him, "You mean the world to me, without you it's just not worth it," he whispered into her ear.

**There's nothing like you and I**

"James," she told him, pulling away from his embrace. "I'm sorry; I shouldn't have held it against you. I may never be able to forget about it, and I won't deny that it still hurts, but I shouldn't always hold it against you. I should move on… but first, I need you to tell me why you did it. I need you to tell me so that we can finally move on and really have a fresh start… so I won't always be bothered by it no matter how much I may trust you."

"I was scared- when we were dating during seventh year it was just after my mum's death. You only met my dad once, but you saw how it was then Lils, you saw how heart broken he was."

"But what does that have to do with me?"

**We spent some time  
together drinking  
Spent some time just thinking  
about days of joy**

**As our hearts started  
beating faster  
I recalled your laughter   
from long ago**

**There's nothing like you and I**

"I saw it killing him, I watched my father die of a broken heart and I couldn't do anything about it. I had him leave me when he didn't have to. I was scared of being that weak- I guess I just thought that if I put up a barrier between us then it wouldn't happen, that I'd be able to be 'strong.' I tried to convince myself that I didn't love you- that I was just fond of you, but it never worked. So I went to those girls to try to prove it to myself… to prove that you didn't mean anything to me."

"Then why did you try so hard to get me to take you back very time James?!" she yelled at him, sobbing from the feelings that the conversation unearthed. 

"Because I was lying to myself, I did love you, I needed you. Lils please don't leave me, I'm weak without you, like my dad I'm a shell of myself when you're not there. I made a mistake, I didn't realize until too late that it was your love that made me strong, not weak like I'd thought," he begged her.

**  
We spent some time  
together crying  
Spent some time just trying   
to let each other go**

"I hate you," she sobbed. "I hate you so much because you can make me need you this much."

"I love you," he told her before kissing her.

"I love you too and I won't leave you, but you better not fuck up again James, or so help me god I will-"

"Lils," he interrupted her. "I won't, this time around I know that I don't stand a chance without you in my life. I know I'm weak without you and for the first time I finally see what a great thing that is," he told her before pushing her onto the bed and kissing her passionately, flinging all the papers aside.

**I held your hand so  
very tightly  
And told you what I would be   
dreaming of**

--

_Next day_

Once Lily finally got out of bed, ignoring James' many protests, she made her way to Finn's room only to see him miniaturizing his packed bags and pocketing them.

"So you're leaving?" she asked him, leaning on his door frame.

"I have to, work awaits, death eaters need to be caught, and all that what not."

"Will you come back to visit?"

He turned to her, smiling sweetly at her, "Love, no one could keep me away if they wanted to, I promise you that, but it has to go both ways, you have to visit me as well. You're losing your tan in this dreary weather, it's such a shame."

"Deal."

"Lils," he paused, searching for the right words. "I love you. You're a slob, emotional wreck that drama always seems to follow, and you're the best mate that I could ever wish for. I just- I know I've said it before, but thanks-"

"Finn, you're the one that saves me every time, not the other way around."

"you do more than you think. No one else believes in me like you do… I mean Riley does too, but with you it's different, you don't ever let me forget it and that means a lot to me. You saved me from myself. You made me grow up; mature… well sort of, to some extent at least. But let's face it, that's a miracle as it is," he gave her one of his famous, heart stopping crooked smiles.

"I love you _so_ much," she told him as she hugged him tightly.

"I know, and the sentiments are returned- I wasn't you to know that nothing should change. Just because everything is great in your life now and I'm on a different continent doesn't mean that I don't want to hear about how amazing it is. I care about that just as much as I do about your problems. If you need me, I'm a phone call away, even a port key away if you need the real thing."

"I'll hold you to that one," she told him before lightly pushing him towards the door, "Go before I'm tempted to force you to stay."

"Okay, I'll miss you," he told her before quickly pecking her on the cheek and leaving the room.

--

_Lily's room_

_Twenty minutes later_

"Oy, Lils! Get your fat arse down out of that room. We need to go or we'll be late for the game," Sirius yelled from across the hallway.

"Coming!" she told him before she noticed a light pecking coming from her window. "Dog, what is it?" she asked Finn's delusional owl (who ironically enough actually believed that it was a watchdog, which was where Riley had gotten the idea for Fish's name) as she let him in and took off the letter attached to its extended leg.

_Don't kill me, but I forgot to give you the letter Riley sent with me for you, anyway I just found it in my pocket and here it is._

_After all, better late than never, right?_

"Typical Finn," she muttered to herself as she quickly opened the letter from Riley.

_It's weird you know, not talking to you all the time… not having you as a constant in my life. You know there's this saying "love doesn't make the world go round, love is that makes the ride worthwhile"… through you I saw just how true that was, and not just as a girlfriend, but also in a platonic sense as well. _

_You changed me Lils, before you I'd never been in love, but regardless of that… I think that we can still be good mates, the best of mates like we always were… I love you, you're the coolest girl ever and I know that I said that I needed time, but I'm finally starting too realize just how stupid I was for ever having told you that. Please, don't let me live another day without your amazing company._

_A fumbling suck up that's forever yours,_

_Riley._

_p.s. you and James… you make sense… in some odd way you really do, you're good together, you match each other in a way that I finally see that you and I never could._

_You just make sense._

_p.p.s. Finn and I'll see you at Harry's birthday party in three months time… until then._

"LILY!" she heard Sirius yell once again.

She dropped the letter in surprise. "Coming," she told him as she grabbed her purse and left the room with a small smile on her face.

Now, everything was right.

**There's nothing like you and I  
So why do I even try?  
There's nothing like you and I**

--

_**Author's note:**_** there you have it, the end of the fic. You finally got the reason why James cheated (and it only took 24 chapters to get there LoL) and the REAL end of Riley. Hope it reached expectations (I was never particularly good at ending, so sorry if it's total shit).**


	25. a note to the readers

So I couldn't leave this fic without thanking all of the readers, particularly those of you who took the time to review. This fic meant a lot to me because for the 1st time I wrote something that I didn't think was total shit. (It may not be the best out there, I'll be the 1st one to attest to that, but it's not the worst either, and sad as it is that makes me proud considering that I was never one for creative writing).

I would also like to thank those of you that reviewed for my fic, it really made my day and helped me a lot, as far as my writing went (both actually doing it and learning where I could fix it):

**AngstyFluff**

**silverlizard42**

**MoveBitch**

**Prieda Solo**

**Cloclo**

**XxStephXx**

**a-lonely-desire**

**iron woman**

**Desperatestudent88**

**Super Smexy Snuffles**

**OnceUponATime170**

**I love fred and George**

**Thestralwhisperer**

**emeraldeye**

**apotterlover**

**NeLLyRaE**

I would like to especially thank those of you who were there reviewing through most, if not all, of the fic. You guys were great to me, I really appreciate it. Thank you. some of you for your criticisms (and I love you for that because it helped me mature and learn, and hopefully I fixed those mistakes in my writing LoL) and then there were those of you that gave me such amazing compliments and motivation. I adored seeing all of your pennames pop up all of the time on you review alert, it really was a pleasure to read them…

**Vartan-LoVer**

**Lexie-H**(who continued reading even though she absolutely abhorred the fic at first)

**pstibbons**

**headoverheels4HP**

**hanna **(aka timeturner)

**NaNaLiLy**

**ReadingRobyn**

**pheobesapphira**

**prv226**

**Juliette Fox**

**LibraryGeek007**

And **whitelight72**, my beta, thank you so much, everything that you did for me and in such a timely fashion, it was amazing. Thank you so much, you're really the best beta a girl could ask for!

Now, that I've finished being all sentimental (a first for me LoL)… good bye.

Hope to talk to you again some time again!


End file.
